If there’s one way to celebrate the end of a workweek, the end of 2020 (finally), and the beginning of the holiday season, I’ll say it’s probably an orgasm. But I’m not talking about any orgasm—I’m talking about the incomparable, fireworks-worthy orgasm you receive during oral sex (or the mind-blowing experience of giving it to someone—now that’s magical).
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Oral sex is a concept most of us have a pretty good handle on. You know, mouths, genitals. It’s not all that complicated. For a long time, I stood by the “You either love it, or you hate it” model. Some people have joyously outrageous orgasms through oral sex, and others aren’t all that into it. And while I think it’s normal and OK to not be into it (or any part of sex, of course), there are a lot of people out there who write off oral sex because they haven’t tried it in a way that makes them feel comfortable, confident, and pleasured. Below, are interesting oral positions to try with your partner if you are new to the oral game. Or if you are an oral-lover, still check out these oral positions, maybe there is one that you and your partner want to try to spice things up a little bit.
A few things to note:
Don’t like oral sex? No problem, try creating a sex bucket list whether you are single or not. 🙂
No matter how you have sex, sex is sex—don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
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1. Lying on your stomach
This one lets you touch yourself while your partner uses their mouth on you. Lie on your stomach with your hips slightly arched and your legs spread about just a bit. Your partner is able to go at your from behind, but you’re still comfortably laying down, making this a little different from your typical doggy style.
2. Face-sitting
Both you and your partner can do this one regardless of if they have a penis or vagina. If your partner has a penis, just make sure that they are sitting at an angle so they can enter your mouth without suffocating you, of course. You can face your partner so you have the view of looking at them (and touching them if you’d like), or you can face the opposite way and put the focus all on them pleasuring you.
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3. Standing
This is another easy one to try regardless of your partners’ genitalia. This is a pretty common position if your partner has a penis, but much less so for partners with vaginas. If you have a vagina or your partner does, stand with your legs slightly apart, pushing your pelvis out. It might be easier to lean up against a wall or a table to hold your balance. Another great way to try this one is in the shower!
4. Upside-down Head Over the Bed
I’ve also seen this labeled “giraffe style,” which I absolutely love. Lay on your back with your head over the edge of the bed and tilt back so your upside down. This can be done with a partner who has a vagina or penis, but it’s probably easier with a penis just based on the angle and the penis size. Your partner will enter your mouth from a totally different way than normal, and the view is extra hot.
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5. Legs around the head
This one is much easier for giving oral sex to a person with a vagina, but it’s not impossible if your partner has a penis. Simply lay back, and after your partner’s head is in your crotch region, you’ll wrap your legs around them. Don’t suffocate them, of course, but loosely wrap your legs around. Your partner can keep touching you or hold onto your legs from the outside.
One variation of this position is often called the “68.” One person lays down on their back while the other lays on their back on top of their partner, wrapping their legs around them with their crotch in their face. You two will be much closer this way, and it’s basically the lazy lovers’ version of 69.
6. Sitting down
We love a good sitting position here because it’s an easy, applicable way to spin off your usual laying-down positions without having to grab your Kama Sutra book either. You can play this up in tons of ways. Maybe you’re sitting on the kitchen counter, maybe you’re in a desk chair, maybe you’re at the edge of the bed. This is a common position for giving oral sex to people with penises, but it’s a little less common for eating out—which is exactly why you should try it ASAP.
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7. 69, But Spooning
Aside from the joking territory surrounding 69, you might not realize just how good of an oral sex position it can be. While laying on top of each other is all fun and nice, try spicing it up by doing it from a spooning position laying down on your sides. You both lay on the opposite sides, and go at each other from the side. If you have different genitalia, it might be easier to situate the person with a vagina first as you’ll likely need to prop your leg up a bit or get closer to your partner, whereas it’s a little easier if they have a vagina. You’ll be super close, and going at each other from this different angle might even help you find some new spots each of you likes. Orgasms for all!
Anxiety has a very unwelcome way of popping up when you least expect it.
When you’re anxious or stressed, you don’t usually pay attention to your breathing. You either overdo it, taking short breaths or don’t do it at all. It’s quite possible to suddenly realize you’ve been holding your breath and clenching your jaw for ages if you’re stressed out.
Just thinking about your breath and paying attention to it can have a calming effect though. It’s not something we do very often but breathing properly is so important. And using a focused breathing technique can be even more helpful when you’re anxious or stressed.
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It’s a technique that has been used in yoga for thousands of years and yes, it focuses on breathing through the nose. Hillary Clinton gave it a shout out in her autobiography, What Happened in 2017. It was one of the things she said she used to recover from losing the American election to Donald Trump in 2016.
And, hey, if it’s good enough for Hillary…
It’s a very simple trick to master and you can use it anywhere – once you get the hang of it.
HOW TO PRACTICE ALTERNATE NOSTRIL BREATHING:
Step One:
Sit in a comfortable position if you can. On the floor on in a chair with your back straight and feet planted on the ground.
Step Two:
Using your right thumb, gently close your right nostril and inhale slowly through your left nostril.
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Step Three:
Gently close your left nostril by pressing on it with your ring (third) finger. As you do so, open your right nostril and slowly exhale out of it.
Step Four:
Still in this position, inhale through your right nostril, then close it, before opening your left nostril and slowly exhaling thought it. Then inhaling once again.
And that’s basically it! You can repeat the moves five to ten times and the technique will get smoother after a few goes.
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Taking deep slow breaths in this way could help you find your way out of feeling anxious or stressed. Fans of alternate nostril breathing also reckon it helps with focus, lowers the heart rate and makes you more alert too.
Do you feel like anxiety runs point in your day? Do you wonder what in the world is going on with you that you have these stressed-out reactions that feel disproportionate to the reality of what’s at hand?
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The truth is that your reactions can get triggered in response to a real or imagined event. The part of you that overrides reality and kicks up a sometimes-surprising physical response does not know the difference between what’s actually taking place and what’s not real. That can be baffling because it can make you do things that don’t make sense. And no one likes to be the foolio or feel hijacked by their fight-or-flight response.
Let’s discuss: say you’re at a campground with friends, and you hear a loud noise that scares you. You then find you’ve hightailed it across the campground into your tent before you’ve had time to even sort through if that noise is actually a real and present danger. Stay with me—here’s what has happened. Your subconscious mind hijacked your conscious mind (the part that feels like you). You heard the noise. Your subconscious, which stores all your memories, downloaded a memory of a threat (i.e. a bear growl) that it had stored in its complex hard drive; your imagination envisioned a bear in your immediate environment. It then sent a message to your autonomic nervous system, which houses all hormones (like adrenaline, which makes you move fast), your senses became hyper-alert, and your heart rate increased—all for your survival. Before you could check to see if there indeed was a bear about to eat you, your body drove you to seek safety—all in seconds. But then what if your friends, while you were cowering, began to laugh at your folly, as one of them had merely opened the zipper on their bag, and that was the sound your subconscious deemed dangerous that caused you to run for shelter? It would undoubtedly feel like a bodily betrayal.
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But you have to give thanks for the fight-or-flight response, because it has literally kept humankind alive for thousands of years of evolution as a species. It’s not as necessary day to day now because we aren’t being hunted by lions as we once were. We aren’t always fighting for our survival, and yet, our body still gets flooded with messages to flee or fight back. Makes you question how often you have automatically reacted in that irrational mode because of an unconscious download, then responded in kind, with an over-the-top, inappropriate response because you felt threatened—and that wasn’t actually the case. Anxiety disorders come into focus when that response becomes triggered easily and often, and the brain learns to perceive the world as more dangerous than it actually is. It becomes the norm, and that’s taxing on your whole system and your quality of life.
The more you can realize when the fight-or-flight is happening, the more you can be present with the reality of what’s truly unfolding. You can then allow your life to be directed by responding instead of reacting to daily events that pose no real threat. You start to see where your anxiety has you by the nose, where you consistently allow yourself to fly off the handle to attack, defend, or find yourself running from conflict. All are good indicators that these are areas where you can work on being more mindful, more present, more conscious. Breathing through automatic responses of fight-or-flight to stabilize your anxiety levels is helpful. It allows you to feel more in control and, ultimately, happier as a result. And your flight-or-flight response can show up for you in instances where it’s actually useful, when there’s a real need for its gift.
It’s centuries too late if you ask me, but our culture is finally starting to embrace the female orgasm and acknowledge the fact that women feel, want, and need pleasure too (shocking!). Scientists are researchingdeterminants of female orgasms, women are singing about feelin’ themselves, and people wouldn’t bat an eye if Sally pulled her orgasm-in-public performance in 2020 (well, maybe they would, but you get the point).
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All of this is amazing progress for long-overdue gender equality (and we still have a lot of work left to achieve it), but all this “O” talk can put pressure on women to reach an orgasm, whether they’venever had one, can only have one by themselves, or only know one way to have one (news flash: there are lots of ways). So for the betterment of your sex life (and because pleasure is your human right), here are 10 ways to orgasm that you might not have thought of, according to sex therapists and experts.
Megwyn White, a certified clinical sexologist and director of education at Satisfyer, suggested practices like drybrushing and scalp massage to increase sexuality and pleasure. “Dry brushing is a great way to stimulate circulation and detox the skin,” White said. “You’ll feel refreshed, and your tissues will feel soft and satiated. It’s a great self-care practice that can add a sensual start or end to your day. Likewise, giving yourself a scalp treatment at home with essential oils can reduce stress and activate your senses. You’ll feel refreshed, invigorated, and sexier.” Bottom line: find the indulgent practices that connect your mind with your body and stimulate the senses. You’ll feel heightened awareness that can translate into more sexual pleasure (and the chance to check out yo’ bad self in the mirror will be an added sexy bonus).
2. Explore blended orgasms
Here’s the good news: from clitoral orgasms to nipple orgasms, there’s no shortage of orgasms to be had. And better yet, they don’t necessarily have to be independent of one another. A blended orgasm is two (or more) simultaneous orgasms, resulting in an intense, full-body response. While this may sound difficult and you may be thinking great, even more pressure in the climax department, know that our bodies are meant to experience multiple different sensations.
“If you stimulate multiple regions, you create more intense sensations, and multiple nerves communicate the sensation of pleasure at the same time,” said Dr. Jess O’Reilly, founder of Sex With Dr. Jess and Astroglide’s resident sexologist. For example, the vagus nerve is believed to communicate signals from the cervix, uterus, and vagina, bypassing the spinal cord. Crazy, right!? Bottom line: there’s more to your sexuality than just the vagina. Explore, experiment, and try multiple different forms of pleasure at once.
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3. Get creative juices flowing
That’s right: that pottery class you took in college could have been increasing your chance to orgasm. “Sexual energy and artistic expression are not mutually exclusive,” White said. “Creativity will naturally stir the pot of your sexual nature and also invite you to think out of the box and invite new experiences into your world.” No matter if your favorite form of creativity is singing, dancing, painting, or scrapbooking, it doesn’t necessarily have to be erotic to help boost your pleasure when it comes to sex.
Being creative in whatever way feels expressive and enjoyable to you can tap into your sexual energy, but will also get you into a creative and open mindset that will encourage you to try new things (see #6 below). You can tell your significant other we told you to sign up for that painting class or dance lesson (and I’m sure when they know the benefits, they’ll want to join too).
4. Talk about sex
Looks likeSalt-N-Pepa were onto something! Kamil Lewis, AMFT, believes getting comfortable talking about sex outside of the bedroom can help encourage a healthy sex life. “Talking about sex with friends is a great way to normalize sex and provides a space to ask questions and hear about other experiences,” Lewis said. “The more comfortable you feel talking about sex, the more empowered you will feel when it’s time to get into it.”
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Yes, it’s important to have a support system outside of your relationship or sexual partner (Sex-and-the-City style) to talk openly about sex and normalize a lot of the subjects that have been taboo for far too long. But it’s equally just as important to communicate openly and honestly with your sexual partner, whether you’re in a committed relationship or not. “Give yourself permission to talk with your partner or partners about orgasms,” Lewis said. “If this is something you want to change in your relationship, it’s important to bring it up.”
5. Build sensuality outside of the bedroom
Sexuality is an equal mix of physical and mental. It’s not going to immediately switch on when you walk into the bedroom, nor is it reserved for the bedroom. Hani Avital, clinical sexologist and sensuality expert, said it best to S Life Magazine, “Sexuality is our life force. The more we cultivate that energy in everything we do, the more alive we will feel. Period.” Remember that your sexuality is powerful and life-giving, not shameful. Build sensuality in your day-to-day life by indulging in self-care that feels good (like massaging in body oil after your shower or taking a decadent bath) and making decisions based on what would feel more pleasurable for you.
Not only will this help you feel more vibrant in your day-to-day life, but it might also help you experience more pleasure in the bedroom. Lewis recommended using mindful moments throughout the day, like paying attention to the temperature of the water in your shower or the smells of your food, to feel more connected to your body and improve sexual connection. Dr. O’Reilly agreed. “You are not a light switch. You likely can’t transition from talking about your kids and taxes to indulging in sexual pleasure and orgasm,” she said. “Take time to indulge in all things pleasurable throughout the day to cultivate more presence in your body and remind yourself that pleasure is your birthright.”
6. Try new things
If you’re not reaching climax, it might be because whatever you’re doing is not working. Even if you are orgasming but are hesitant to try something new, you could be missing out on an even more intense and enjoyable climax. Dr. O’Reilly recommended getting creative with sextoys and lube, which are both associated with heightened pleasure and orgasmic response.
Mia Sabat, the sex therapist at Emjoy, agreed that trying new things is important. “You don’t know what’s going to get you going until you try,” Sabat said. “Sometimes, we forget that there’s more to our body than our vulva, and we’re surprised to see how much a specific place or type of stimulation can help us reach our orgasm end-goal.” Bottom line: try new things, whether it’s positions, toys, body parts, or even the routine, for the sake of enjoyment and getting to know your body better. An orgasm will just be a welcomed bonus.
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7. Make masturbation a part of your self-care routine
So you already know that masturbation can help you orgasm, but it might not be easy to reach climax if you only think of the ménage à moi as a must-do when you’re in between partners (thank you, quarantine). Exploring your own sexuality and pleasure should be just as much a part of your self-care routine as a face mask or a bubble bath (and, FYI, can be done simultaneously with both!). “Stop thinking about masturbation as a dirty little secret. It’s a perfectly healthy thing to do, with a myriad of health benefits. It can be used to ease pain, boost your mood, and even help with period cramps,” Sabat said. “By framing masturbation as part of your self-care routine, you can explore your body with comfort and confidence instead of something to feel embarrassed about.”
8. Fantasize
Dr. O’Reilly calls the brain the most powerful sex organ, and for good reason. Remember how sexuality is a mix of physical and mental? The physical component might be stimulated, but the mental component needs to be stimulated too in order to achieve mind-blowing pleasure. Fantasizing can help you explore your sexuality and find different ways to feel pleasure, rather than getting caught up in achieving an orgasm and the dreaded performance anxiety.
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Luckily for us, there are multiple ways to fantasize besides imagining shirtless Ryan Gosling or watching Rihanna’s “Pour it Up” music video (though both are great if they do it for you!). “There are many ways you can stimulate the brain, like listening to erotica, engaging with pornography created for a female audience, or simply taking the time to gently let your mind and body ease into a sexual state through sensual massages, candlelit baths, or self-pleasure,” Sabat said.
9. Don’t over-hype the climax
OK, back to that pressure to orgasm. Yes, there is a huge orgasm gap, and yes, you deserve to orgasm as often as you want every single time. But we often hype up the climax so much (I mean, it is called “the climax”) that so many women struggle to get there because of the pressure to achieve it. We look at our ability to orgasm to determine whether it was “good sex” or even whether or not we’re “normal.” Here’s the truth: it’s good sex if it felt good, and anything is normal if it’s normal for you. Instead of focusing on the end-goal, focus on the pleasure you feel before and during sex. Not only will it be more pleasurable overall, but you might be more likely to orgasm. The destination is better when you enjoyed the journey, right?
In fact, Gigi Engle, certified sexologist and award-winning author, suggested delaying orgasming instead of focusing on achieving it. She said, “Slowly bring yourself closer and closer, but hold back before going over the edge. When you become aroused and then let it go, the energy is recycled, waiting just under the surface to be ignited once again. If you keep building towards a finale, the endgame will be unreal.”
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10. Romance yourself
No, this is not some cheesy self-love advice; it’s truly the most effective way to increase pleasure, sensuality, and orgasms, whether you’re solo-sexing or with a partner. When we take time to make ourselves feel special like we would a romantic partner, we increase confidence, comfortability, and just feel hotter; to quote my queen Lizzo, “No, I’m not a snack at all. Look, baby, I’m the whole damn meal.” FYI, Lizzo definitely knows how to romance herself. No matter your relationship status, we can all afford a little more self-romance.
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“Even if you’re going solo, it doesn’t mean that you have to skip the romance,” Sabat said. “Don’t be afraid to light some candles, put on some perfume, and dim the lights to set the mood. This is your own personal adventure and something to enjoy, not rush. Don’t rush it or sell yourself short; this is about treating yourself in exactly the way you want to be treated, and you deserve the best.” As Lizzo would say: “‘Scuse me while I feel myself.”
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