Clingy, co-dependent, controlling? Not Shay Mitchell. We love Shay for a lot of reasons—her style, wellness routine, and travel bag brand BÉIS, to name a few—but it’s her recent advice for dealing with relationship anxiety that has made us fall in love with her even more than we ever thought was possible. In an interview that Shay did with Alex Cooper on the Call Her Daddy podcast, she was asked how she can trust her longtime boyfriend and father of two kids, Matte Babel, traveling with Drake, going to parties, and being around other women while she is at home with their kids, and Shay’s honest and relatable response was so profound that the clip garnered 8.5 million views and counting on TikTok.

Acting as a PSA to women everywhere, Shay Mitchell’s solution for dealing with relationship anxiety comes down to self-love, independence, and knowing your worth. We’re breaking down exactly how Shay implements this mindset into her own life and relationship and offering even more advice for how you can adopt it too.

What is relationship anxiety?

While it might sound self-explanatory, let’s first break down exactly what relationship anxiety is and where it stems from. According to Healthline, it refers to the feelings of worry, insecurity, and doubt that can pop up in a relationship, even if everything is going relatively well. You might wonder what your partner is doing when you’re not around, doubt their feelings for you, second guess their commitment to you and more. These feelings and thoughts usually stem from personal insecurities, past relationship experiences, attachment styles, or a lack of trust and communication.

The good news is that experiencing relationship anxiety is extremely common (even in the healthiest relationships); however, feelings of worry, insecurity, and doubt can start to make people spiral out of control, causing distress, sleepless nights, and ultimately affecting someone’s well-being as well as the well-being of their relationship. If you have ever experienced this or are experiencing it now, Shay’s advice is exactly what you need to hear.

Shay Mitchell’s advice for relationship anxiety

Let’s make one thing clear: Even though we consider Shay a total queen who can do no wrong, even she is not immune to experiencing relationship anxiety. She mentioned in the interview that she too has lost sleep worrying about her relationships in the past and that it can be hard even now because she does truly care. She goes on to say that if anything were to happen with her and her boyfriend, she would deal with it then, but for the sake of her happiness and the happiness of her partner, she says “I can’t live my life worrying about what he’s doing,” and to that, we say amen sister.

Shay adds that “when you truly love somebody, you want them to live their happiest life”—even if it’s not with you. You have to understand that you can’t control everyone around you—the only thing you can do is what’s best for you. So, if you are dealing with relationship anxiety, playing some variation of this Shay Mitchell quote in your head on repeat will help you tenfold: “If you can take him from me, then he’s yours.”

Why this advice can help relieve relationship anxiety

One of the main reasons why Shay can confidently navigate through her relationship without relationship anxiety is because she truly does believe that what’s meant to will be. She mentioned that when she used to worry about her past relationships, it got to the point where she would have to ask herself what would happen if something went wrong. She decided that her mindset would be “I’ll be OK, I’ll keep it moving,” adding that if that’s the case, it wasn’t meant to be.

If you have an anxious attachment style, this can be a hard lesson to learn, but once you accept that sleepless nights aren’t going to change anything, you’ll be less stressed, worried, and doubtful. “We’re going to do what we’re going to do,” according to Shay, so you can’t worry about something before it happens. She added that instead of spending time worrying about our partners, we should be spending time bettering ourselves. This will allow us to feel more confident in our independence, which will in turn help us feel more confident in ourselves and whatever the outcome of our relationship is.

How to implement Shay Mitchell’s advice in your relationship

If you are feeling like you are in a constant state of anxiety, worrying about what your partner is doing, how they feel about you, and if your relationship is going to last, Shay says that “you need to be in love with yourself more.” She added that “you shouldn’t be feeling that way in a healthy relationship, and if you are, then maybe it isn’t the right one.”

Start by accepting that whatever is going to happen will happen whether it’s for better or for worse in your relationship. You can’t drain your happiness trying to control the outcome or lose track of the valuable time that you could be focusing on yourself or spending genuine quality time with friends and family. Move forward by putting trust in your partner and truly wanting what is best for yourself and them as individuals first. That will reveal whether or not you and your partner will be together for the long haul or if there is something better waiting for both of you on the other side.