Yes, yes. Orgasms. Before we get semi-surface-level-knee-deep into this thing, let me just say that, if there are two times in life when the same response is probably annoying as hell to the people who personally can’t relate, it would have to be when it comes to being in love and having an orgasm. And what reply am I referring to specifically? It’s when someone asks, “So, how do you know when it’s actually happened?” and those who’ve been through it, pause, reflect, exhale and then say, “Girl, you just…know.”

On the climax tip, I get that, if you’ve never truly been to the mountaintop before, hearing that answer isn’t really offering up much help (although there is a ton of truth in that statement). And so, whether you’ve never had sex before and you’re curious or you’ve had a fair share of sexual experiences but things are still unclear as far as whether you’ve had as much fun as everyone else, I’m gonna try and break down how you can know that you’ve had an orgasm before. Get your glass of wine and sit back.

So, Really—What Is an Orgasm?

Anyway, it wasn’t until a License Therapist said “How can you get anyone to please you when you don’t even know how to please yourself?” ( She was saying this to make a valid point for a particular topic we were having at the moment. Don’t worry she was professional and very kind) I said, ” Yeah…” and entered into the world of masturbation (another topic that I’ll have to share my personal take on at another time). And when I compared that to the intercourse I was experiencing with my then-boyfriend, yes—I definitely knew when I had my first orgasm and he definitely wasn’t in the picture. I then started experiencing orgasms via oral sex with my second sexual partner and lawd—talk about cuing in Peobo Bryson and Regina Belle’s “A Whole New World” (with a DeVante Swing remix to it)! Ever since my early years and experiencing sexual instances when I truly felt like my body was gonna explode, I know, without question, that I’ve had an orgasm before. At this point in my life, many times over too.

And just what exactly is an orgasm?

I think the best way to describe it, without it looking like a science paper, is to say that an orgasm is the pinnacle of sexual tension that comes as the result of rhythmic contractions that occur within your uterus, pelvic floor and vagina—all at the same time.

It typically transpires in three phases:

Excitement: Which is when you’re aroused (typically during foreplay) and then blood starts to rush to your genital region. It’s also when there is an increase of testosterone, dopamine and serotonin in your system which makes you feel warm and stimulated.

Plateau: This is when sexual tension builds, right up to the point where you feel a mixture of thinking you might have to pee (that’s the best way to describe it, I think) and you having very little control over yourself. When you hear people on movies doing all of the yelling ‘n stuff? It’s usually right at this point.

Orgasm: This is when the contractions come. They aren’t painful (like when a woman is giving birth). They feel really good—and a bit overwhelming. The warmth that you started to feel during the excitement phase then spreads all throughout your body, a huge release transpires and you finally are able to catch your breath and start to resume a regular breathing pattern. As far as how long orgasms last, the average is somewhere between 18-51 seconds apiece (I say, “a piece” because some people can have multiple orgasms).

OK, so now that you know what an orgasm is, let me just briefly go (back) over what some of the signs are:

• Increased heart rate and breathing
• Warm feelings, starting in your genital region
• Multiple vaginal contractions
• Hyper-sensitivity immediately following (especially in your vaginal region)
• An immediate feeling of calm and serenity after
• Basically, when you can’t feel your legs, your breathing is on a all time high. It feels like you can’t catch your breath, there isn’t any oxygen in your heart. And, your Clitoris will feel like a heart beat going like 80mph. The clit will be super sensitive and everything.

There Are Multiple Kinds of Orgasms. Vaginal Being the Most Challenging.

Now that you know what an orgasm is from a technical standpoint, it’s important that I reiterate that orgasms don’t only happen via intercourse. I’ve already shared that my first ones came from masturbation and receiving oral sex. The two things that both of these acts have in common is the focus is put on stimulating my clitoris (including my clitoral hood).

The clitoris is amazing because there is no scientific reason for why it exists other than sexual stimulation. So, the chances of you having an orgasm increase, astronomically so, if the focus is put onto your clitoris, along with your erogenous zones. In fact, this is why a lot of medical and sex experts believe that there are (at least) 11 different types of orgasms a woman can have including a clitoral, anal, nipple, blended and vaginal one.

So, the first thing to keep in mind—and it truly can’t be stated enough—is it’s important to know the difference between an orgasm and a vaginal orgasm. If you’ve experienced many of the things that I’ve described, then there’s still a good chance that you’ve had one before. However, it’s the vaginal one that can give women a bit of trouble; around 70 percent of women, to be exact.

Why is that? A lot of medical and sex experts believe that, physically, it may be tied into the fact that the closer a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for her to experience a vaginal orgasm. That makes sense if you think about the fact that it’s our clit, not our vagina, that stimulates us the most. So basically, this means that probably the main reason why a lot of women don’t have vaginal orgasms is due to how their body is naturally designed (if their clitoris is able to be directly stimulated during intercourse)—not because anything is necessary “wrong” with them.

Yet what if you’re one of those kinds of people who don’t like being told “no”, in any area and so, you’re simply not content with accepting that maybe you should shift your focus on having orgasms period and not just a vaginal one? In walks my final point for today.

What Can You Do to Increase Your Chances of Experiencing One?

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I write about orgasms a lot. That’s how much I dig ’em. I really do think that striving for an orgasm period, should be the greater goal, but if you want to give having a vaginal orgasm a more intentional shot, here are five things that you can do.

Try some orgasmic meditation. Stress is the enemy of, just about everything. And the reality is that one of the main reasons why a lot of us have a hard time climaxing is because we have a really difficult time relaxing. If you can relate, something that can help is something that is known as orgasmic meditation. In short, it’s when you and your partner practice a form of “mindful touching”. You get quiet, you deep breathe and he intentionally focuses on stroking your clitoris as a form of an erotic build-up. Think of it as meditative edging. It’s erotic AF while also extremely calming at the same time. You can read more about it by checking out “What Exactly Is ‘Orgasmic Meditation’?“.

Bring more foreplay into the mix. On average, men can climax within five minutes while it takes us somewhere between 15-20. A lot of that time has very little to do with the orgasm itself; it’s all about getting to the exciting part that we talked about earlier. What helps that to happen is foreplay. One of the reasons why I wrote the articles, “9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.“, “8 Men & 8 Women Told Me What They Wish Their Partner Would STOP Doing In Bed” is because, if there’s one thing that all of those posts have in common, it’s driving home the point of how important communication is.

Real talk, a lot of people aren’t “sexually incompatible“, so much as they are not being truly open and honest about their sexual wants and needs. Trust me, if the foreplay is on point, it is so much easier to have an orgasm—any kind but especially a vaginal one.

Get into the right/best positions. All sexual positions serve a purpose, but certain ones can accomplish certain goals quicker than others. When it comes to trying to have a vaginal orgasm, some of the positions that can help you to best achieve your goal include the reverse cowgirl (it’s a great way for your partner’s penis to stimulate your clitoris during penetration); being on your side (he can rub your clitoris during penetration); what I call the “cat position” (it’s just like the doggy style but you’re on your stomach rather than on your knees; deeper penetration can happen that way); the chest bump (which is when you’re in the missionary position but your arch your back while being thrust; it angles your clitoris to touch his shaft) and, when your legs are over his shoulders (again…deeper penetration).

Have an emotional connection. If you go to your favorite search engine and you put “married sex is best” in the search field, you’ll see quite a few links to articles on why sex is best when you’re in a long-term and fully committed relationship. A big part of why is because you can fully trust your partner with your desires, your fantasies, your vulnerabilities, what has worked (and has not) worked in the past. Listen, you can have good mechanical sex with a whole lot of people. But even the most sexually active (or sexually cynical) person will vouch for the fact that when there’s an emotional connection with the person you’re “engaging with”, sex really doesn’t get much better than that—physically or otherwise.

Don’t overthink it. It’s kinda crazy that so many of us overthink when, more times than not, all that really does is create problems that don’t exist. When it comes to trying to have a vaginal orgasm, please never let it leave your mind that your partner enjoying you as you enjoy them should be the main focal point. If you chill out, relax and let things naturally happen (as your clitoris is getting well taken care of), you’ve got a far greater chance of having one than if you worry about “getting there” all of the time. Orgasms are wooooooooooonderful. Don’t let anyone tell you that they’re not. But you are still a sexy, beautiful, amazing woman whether you have one or you don’t—vaginal or not. Keep that in mind and watch how many fireworks go off for you. Most likely when you least expect them to…too. #wink