BODY LANGUAGE TO NOTICE on Your First Date

Everybody tells a story. By merely paying attention to body language, you can get your first clue as to if your potential match may go the distance. The way you move, react, and interact can send a signal about the way you are feeling at any given moment. But what about the way someone reacts to you? Is it possible to tell what someone is thinking about you simply by the way they move their body?

In the world of first dates and new relationships, the body language from either party can express more than the actual words themselves. As humans, we like to touch the things we like. We like to be physically close to people we like. Touch and sweet gestures can signal the beginning stages of a possible long-term connection with your date.

The most obvious form of body language that indicates your date is interested in you is touch. Touch is a great sign of interest. Placing a hand on the small of your back as you enter a restaurant speaks volumes. Reaching across the table and touching your hand for a quick second shows interest. Gestures and facial expressions can also add to the element of attraction. Direct eye contact during your date is also a good sign of someone liking you.

As a general rule, we like to be physically close to someone we feel a connection with. Being physically close to someone is a human craving, but the human connection needs to come first. One good way to tell if your date is feeling connected to you is to pay attention to the amount of physical space between you. We’ve all had those awkward encounters where your date maintains a 3-foot distance from you at all times. Or worse yet, your date walks 10 feet in front of you and leaves you in the dust. In these instances, it’s generally safe to say there is not a great connection between you.

To ensure your body language is received favorably, it’s important to be available. This means keep your hands on the table so they can be touched. Uncross your arms as you walk so your date can take your hand. Walk-in a relaxed and carefree posture and expect nothing. That way, if there is a reach for your hand, it’s comfortable and not forced. In other words, make yourself touchable (but not too touchable!).

Call me a hopeless romantic, or simply old-fashioned, but I think traditional roles should still be considered when making the first move on a date. When making the first move to hold hands or walk arm-in-arm, if you want to scrap tradition and go for it, you need to be equally ready to accept rejection if your date is not feeling the vibe.

To let your date know you are interested, a smile works wonders and also helps to ease the first date jitters. Eye contact goes a long way to promote interest, especially when done with a slight touch on the arm or hand across the table. Sitting across from your date rather than side by side at the table gives a better view of your body language. Oh, and leaning in to talk signals, “I like you.”

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Tense, ridged, and upright body language signals stress and straight-up anxiety, something no one wants to deal with, especially on a first date. The more calm the body language, the calmer and more productive the date will be. Here’s to a successful first date.

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Michelle Afont is a relationship expert, divorce lawyer, and author of The Dang Factor. She has witnessed firsthand the reasons for the demise of over 50% of the marriages throughout the United States. Her vast experience in the world of breakups, heartbreak, makeups, and re-launching love is the reason she changes the way women love. Michelle has conducted extensive research on the intricacies of love, commitment, faithfulness, and what makes a relationship work. Follow her on InstagramFacebook, and Twitter for more relationship advice.

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How to LAST LONGER IN BED

Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and we do our research and then craft a story to answer as many as we can. This week we tapped Cheryl Fagan, sexpert and founder of On Top, to provide the steamy secret to standout stamina. She’s also responsible for deeply explaining holistic sexuality to our readers.

We know you’re antsy for the answer, so we’ll let her take it from here.

I Want to Last Longer in Bed. What Can I Do? 

“The answer to this question will differ from person to person. This question takes some self-inquiry. It’s not necessarily a matter of tricks and techniques you need to learn but getting real within and knowing what it is that you are expecting from the experience of sex.

Why do you want to last longer? Are you getting tired? Or bored? Is it because the pleasure is so intense you can’t get enough or is it that you think you ‘should be going for longer? This question needs to be considered from a biopsychosocial approach. There could be something going on hormonally or maybe medication is having an influence (I’d encourage seeing a medical professional rule this out). We want to consider some cultural myths or expectations that you may need to let go of. Are there interpersonal relationship issues? Do you feel safe? Do you know your sexual needs matter just as much as your partner’s? How are your self-esteem and sexual energy?

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We live in a culture that is constantly telling us that sex is about performance, but satisfying/nourishing/mind-blowing sex is so much deeper than that. It’s not just about lasting longer but being completely satisfied. So how can we help you find sexual satisfaction…

Without knowing all of the details, I’m going to approach this from a psychological perspective. What did I mean earlier when I said it’s not about tricks, but about self-awareness? Knowing your sexual inhibitions and how to work with them is the key to having the sex life you desire.

Sexual inhibitions can be conscious or subconscious blocks that we have to experience sexual desire or arousal. They can be a result of your upbringing, social conditioning, past experiences, and so on.

It’s not about more techniques or skills but lessening those inhibitions.

One aspect of being sexually empowered is knowing your ons and offs. What turns you on and what turns you off? List them. Consider your most memorable and mind-blowing sexual experience (if you don’t think you’ve had that—what is a fantasy?), and write down what you felt, smelled, saw, tasted, and heard. What was so good about it? Now think of a not-so-great sexual experience and answer those same questions. Don’t judge yourself—if you don’t like some positions, that’s OK, or if you like the lights a certain way, that’s OK. Once you have a better sense of this and can communicate that to yourself and then to your partner(s), you’re on the road to the sex you desire. Being able to honestly communicate about sex is one of the greatest determining factors of how enjoyable sex will be for you.

Once you understand your ons and offs better, act on that. Do the things that increase your arousal and limit the offs. When you’re so aroused, present in the moment, and prioritizing your pleasure and your partner’s pleasure, I am sure it will last as long as you both need for the satisfaction you’re after.”

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The content provided in this article is provided for information purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice and consultation, including professional medical advice and consultation; it is provided with the understanding that BeautyLeeBar, LLC (“HelloBeauties”) is not engaged in the provision or rendering of medical advice or services. The opinions and content included in the article are the views of the interviewee only, and BeautyLeeBar does not endorse or recommend any such content or information, or any product or service mentioned in the article. You understand and agree that BeautyLeeBar shall not be liable for any claim, loss, or damage arising out of the use of, or reliance upon any content or information in the article.

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RED FLAGS on Dating Apps

Before I address red flags to look out for on the dating apps, I invite you to store them in a little closet of your brain, once you’ve been made aware of them.

So often, I see clients focusing too much on red flags in their search for love, versus focusing on the person they are looking for.  

This is easy to do, as there are a plethora of interesting characters on the apps, but when you’re primarily focused on what isn’t working, you’ll continue to attract creepy weirdos asking for more bikini shots until you shift into an authentic mindset that sets you up to be open and ready for Mr. Right.

Red flags are important to pay attention to, but don’t let them take over what could be a fun process with your potential partner at your literal fingertips. 

Finally, don’t take red flags so personally or seriously. If you connect with someone you were intrigued by, but ultimately, the person didn’t demonstrate much interest in return, in the words of Ariana Grande, “Thank you, NEXT!”

Red flags don’t have to be perceived as some major problem.

They are signs to help keep your eye on the prize of finding someone who’s perfect for you, and not get sucked in by chemistry and outlandish words with no follow-through on actions, which leads me to …

Editor’s note: Although this article uses male pronouns, the advice applies to all sexual orientations and gender identities.

Red Flag #1:  

He’s demonstrating pen-pal vibes over wanting to meet in person.  

I think I’m being generous when I say that if he doesn’t ask you out within 72 hours of connecting, BOY BYE. You’re not looking for a pen pal. You’re looking for a partner. Him asking how your day was, without caring to meet in person, isn’t enough.

Red Flag #2:  

He avoids or deflects when you ask him out.  

It’s 2021, ladies. I’m not above making the initial move if it feels organically right to you. But if he’s coming up with excuses, or doesn’t rise to the occasion to meet, while still touching base to say an occasional, innocuous “hey,” you ain’t got time for that. 

Red Flag #3:  

He has nothing written on his profile.

I have to laugh and be honest here because the love of my life had zero words on his profile, but I was intrigued by his good looks and kind eyes, so I swiped right anyway, out of curiosity to find out more. The only reason I conceded the lack of info on his profile was because he immediately engaged with me, volunteered his first and last name, asked questions about myself, and made it clear on the first evening we connected that he wanted to meet in person. So, swipe right on an empty profile at your discretion, but if you have to continue to guess his interest or what he’s looking for, once you start to engage, unmatch. In general, I think putting effort into what you say about yourself and who you’re looking for in that teeny writing space shows that you’re taking the dating process seriously, but as I always say, there are exceptions to every rule.

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Red Flag #4: 

He doesn’t ask questions about you.

Seriously, this just isn’t too hard. When someone is interested, he will ask questions about you. They don’t have to be crazy deep questions, but they also don’t have to be lame and surface-level. You have to suck it up a little bit with basic Q’s when you’re first connecting—like, “How long have you lived in Miami?”—to get a good flow going, but if you’re feeling a fun, flirty, and witty vibe, look for him to be making just as much effort to get to know you, as you are him.

Red Flag #5:  

He jumps straight to asking you out without a warm-up exchange.

Matching on a dating app doesn’t always mean you should ultimately go out. Let’s feel each other out a little bit before the abrupt ask. Sure, it’s nice to not beat around the bush, but there’s a finesse that can tend to go out the window on these apps. Ask me a question about myself. Let’s see if there’s a good vibe going before jumping the gun and locking down a time. Am I sounding like Goldilocks a little bit? YES! Don’t ask out too soon, but don’t become pen pals either.

Red Flag #6:  

His profile says what you should and shouldn’t be.

He has this small amount of space and he’s telling you things like, “No drama. Be funny. You need to be ambitious.” LAME! Tell me who you are and what kind of relationship you’re looking for. Don’t tell me who I need to be for you. Also, his definition of funny could be different from yours. Overall, I see this as a sloppy, entitled approach, and this heartbreak/finding-love coach has no time for it. 

Again, all of the above should be taken into consideration, but don’t let red flags be at the forefront of your mind while swiping on the apps, because it’s always your thoughts that create your results—not the dating apps.

If you’re thinking you need to keep your eye out for red flags, more than keep your eye out for Mr. Right, your results will consistently be more red flags.  

Happy swiping!

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Claire Byrne is a heartbreak/finding-love coach, and the host of her podcast, Stop Wanting Him Back & Find Someone Better. Click here for more information on her group program.

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OLD VS. YOUNG PARTNER: What’s Better?

In high school, I always had a crush on the “older” guy (me a freshman, him a senior—back then, it seemed like such an age disparity), and I never looked twice at the dudes my year or in the grades below me. I had concocted this fantasy that an older man and woman would save and protect me. Some may call it “daddy issues;” I’ll leave that to the experts.

At 18, I encountered my first taste of the ubiquitous older man. The story is so cliche. I worked in this Orthopedic Center and met this 40 something-year-old who worked in the mall I would travel to for my boss. Long story short, we had an epic romance. No, sex was involved. Yes, feelings were. I look back on this tryst with somewhat fond memories, and I know now that it was the beginning of a pattern that I would come to live out for a good portion of my 20s: the older man/younger woman scenario.

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Without going into my entire sexual and dating history, let’s say I’ve had more than one dalliance with a (much) older man and woman. I’m not talking two or even five years older; we will leave it at that. What I’m noticing in my early 20s is that I gravitate toward older men/women because I found them to be more mature and stable. They were successful and (in many cases) powerful. They took care of business, in more ways than one. 

And then, one day, as I was rehashing my evening with one said an older man to a girlfriend, she stopped me mid-sentence and blurted out: “Just imagine his a** in five years.” I gasped. OMG. Think Jack Nicholson in the hospital scene of Something’s Gotta Give, and you’ll get the image that plagued my mind from that moment on. I’ve never been able to get it out of my head.  

Soon after, my love affair with the older man ended, and as I approached my mid-20s soon, I noticed a new trend emerge: the younger man. To be fair, this seemed to be a trend that exploded in pop culture too: Madonna, Janet Jackson, JLo—they were all fans of the younger man. And the 30-somethings are starting to bore me; even the 40-somethings now wanted the 20-somethings, but the 20-something dudes? Well, let’s just say they were very eager to accommodate. After a rather tumultuous breakup with a boyfriend of two-ish years, my ego yearned for some serious boosting, and the more I hung out with guys my age, the more I remembered what FUN was all about. Sure, perhaps it was all a bit more no strings attached when it came to partnering up, but for a flirty fling, the younger man had me at “you’re hot.”

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So, yes, I’ve sampled both younger and older partners. I’m in no way a dating pro, but here are my pros and cons to each.

NOTE: I am not generalizing age groups here. OK, I am slight—but these are my experiences, and if even one of them rings true for you… take it, comment, and feel free to leave the rest.

OLDER MEN

PROS – They know what they want. They’ve had enough time to test the dating waters and—unless they cannot commit, which could certainly be the issue—the older man is laser clear on what he’s looking for.

CONS – They know what they want, and they’re less malleable to change, which likely means that if they are inept at communicating or if they don’t remember important dates like your birthday or anniversary, chances are they never will. That ship has sailed, to keep with the water metaphor.

PROS – They have their sh*t together. At least when it comes to a job, a place to live, a means of transportation—and if they don’t have these things… run, don’t walk, away. 

CONS – They come with their fair share of baggage (and I’m not just talking about the bags under their *slightly* older eyes). The older you date, the more baggage your partner will have. It just comes with the territory. Think exes, kids, business failings, insecurities, etc. 

PROS – They tend to provide the compelling conversation. If you’re one who likes talking politics, international relations, distilling whiskey, etc… the older man can be a veritable teacher of sorts. 

CONS – They have a schedule, which isn’t necessarily a con for everyone—for some this may even be a pro. But I’m not into the 10 p.m. lights out, 6 a.m. rise and shine, and can’t even meet me for an impromptu lunch because… he doesn’t take lunch, and work comes first—how do you think he can afford that nice house and those pristine wheels? YAWN.

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YOUNGER MEN

PROS – Confidence. They haven’t been burdened by as many rejections, or it just hasn’t bothered them yet. So they barrel in at 65 miles per hour… with the compliments, the texts, and the kisses. The dating rules? Not in their vocabulary. 

CONS – The thing about an overly confident male is that you’re likely not the only one he’s DMing, sexting, or even kissing. Protect your heart (and your other precious parts).

PROS – They’re spontaneous. Think of a weekend jaunt (whatever town is drivable from where you live) at a moment’s notice. Sex in the hotel lobby bathroom. Showing up at your place in the middle of the night because you were on their mind. Spontaneous gestures are exciting and, for some, a great reminder that your partner doesn’t just talk the talk but can also walk the walk. Aka: actions speak louder than words.

CONS – They can be immature. Like the younger guy who invites you to the house in Miami that he rented for the weekend. You show up, only to find that a dozen other youngsters are milling about, smoking weed, drinking, playing video games. You just wanted some sexy time, so you manage to pull your dude away from the keg and find a random room with a futon and an overflowing ashtray. The next thing you know it’s 5 a.m., your back is killing you from the futon mattress, and some half-naked guy just walked past you to puke in the bathroom. And your guy has slept through all of it. 

PROS – They speak the language of flirtation—and they’re damn good at it, too. This complements the confidence pro above, but in my experience, younger men are just so much less intimidated with what they say and what they do to their lover.

CONS – They’re less serious about everything in life—and that includes you. When the BBD comes along, you’re lucky if you even get a “sorry, we’re done” text. Much more likely he’ll ghost you and you’ll find out about his new girl after some blog writes about him and his new girl. Don’t try to have a “closure” conversation with the younger man, it’s not his “vibe.” 

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FINAL THOUGHT: As people love to say, age is just a number. But it truly is… (as long as everyone is 18 and older) what matters most is timing and compatibility. What you want will change at different stages in your life, so go for the person who makes you feel like the best version of yourself, regardless of their birth year. Older guys ain’t shit either so do what makes you feel good ladies and gentlements. Just be careful though because soul-ties do exist.

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