Tag: Relationship Red Flags

Dismissing Red Flags Ruined My Life For Years— Here’s How I Now Spot Red Flags Like a Pro:

Published on by Lee1 Comment

For years, I spent hurting in relationships, workplaces, and friendships by putting up with toxic people. It caused me a lot of pain because I felt lonely and unfulfilled. One day, I had enough and left my toxic relationship and began my healing journey. During it, I learned that toxic people all have the same traits that can be identified in the very beginning.

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Here are the 5 most comment red flags I look for:

  • Disrespect: If the other person is consistently disrespectful or inconsiderate of your feelings, boundaries, or needs, this is a red flag. This may include things like talking down to you, belittling your ideas, or ignoring your requests.
  • Dishonesty: If the other person is not being honest with you, this is a red flag. This may include things like lying, withholding information, or gaslighting (manipulating you into doubting your perception of reality).
  • Controlling behavior: If the other person is trying to control you or your actions, this is a red flag. This may include things like telling you what to wear, who to spend time with, or how to spend your money.
  • Lack of accountability: If the other person is not willing to take responsibility for their actions or their mistakes, this is a red flag. This may include things like blaming others, making excuses, or denying wrongdoing.
  • Negativity: If the other person is consistently negative or critical, this is a red flag. This may include things like complaining, blaming, or being pessimistic.

By paying attention to these red flags, you can protect yourself from unhealthy or toxic relationships, friendships, or work environments. If you notice any of these red flags, it is important to trust your instincts and take action to protect yourself.

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Why people dismiss red flags:

  1. Denial: People may ignore red flags in others because they do not want to believe that there is a problem or that something is wrong. This can be especially common when the red flags are related to difficult or unpleasant topics, such as addiction or abuse.
  2. Lack of awareness: People may not recognize red flags in others because they do not have enough information or knowledge about the situation. For example, they may not know the signs of a certain mental health condition or they may not be aware of the warning signs of a toxic relationship.
  3. Wishful thinking: People may ignore red flags in others because they are hoping that the problem will go away or that things will get better on their own. This can be especially common when the red flags are related to someone they care about, such as a friend or family member.
  4. Fear: People may ignore red flags in others because they are afraid of the consequences of acknowledging the problem or taking action. This can be especially common when the red flags are related to something intimidating or uncertain, such as a difficult conversation or a potential confrontation.
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How to recognize red flags:

  1. Pay attention to your instincts. If you have a gut feeling that something is not right in a relationship, friendship, or workplace, pay attention to this feeling. Your instincts are often based on unconscious cues and observations, and they can be a valuable source of information.
  2. Notice patterns of behavior. Look for patterns of behavior that are concerning or that do not align with your values or expectations. For example, if someone is consistently disrespectful, unreliable, or dishonest, this may be a red flag.
  3. Pay attention to how you feel. Notice how you feel when you are around the person or in the workplace. If you consistently feel anxious, uncomfortable, or drained, this may be a red flag.
  4. Look for warning signs of abuse or manipulation. Be aware of warning signs of abuse or manipulation, such as controlling behavior, jealousy, or verbal or physical aggression. If you notice these behaviors, this is a red flag and you should seek help and support.
  5. Write down what you feel. If you are unsure at the moment, write it down and check back on it later if it comes up again or ask someone what they think. This also ensures you don’t forget what you noticed.
  6. Seek advice from others. If you are unsure about whether something is a red flag, consider seeking advice from others who are close to you or who have more experience in the situation. They may be able to provide a different perspective or valuable insights.
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Red flags are warning signs that indicate potential problems or issues in a relationship, friendship, or workplace. These red flags can be subtle or overt, and they can be difficult to spot, especially if you are not looking for them. But you be cautious about protecting your energy because that is the most valuable thing you have. The people around you have a profound impact on your well-being and success.

Blame Tom Sandoval: 10 Red Flags We Are On High Alert For

Published on by LeeLeave a comment

Most people think that reality TV shows have no educational value whatsoever, but I beg to differ. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in life has been taught to me through the very cheating scandals and heartbreaks that give these shows their “bad rap”. It’s one so invaluable that my college professors could only dream of teaching me something even half as useful: know the red flags when you see them. And no network has drilled that into my dating brain quite like Bravo has. 

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If you’re not up to speed on the current Vanderpump Rules drama, the main thing you need to know is that it’s yet another classic case of men aren’t sh*t. Tom Sandoval (a star on the show) has been accused of cheating on his long-time girlfriend Ariana Madix (also a star on the show) with Raquel Leviss (you guessed it—she’s also a star on the show). Are we pissed? Absolutely. But are we shocked? Sadly, no.

While this is the most recent Bravo relationship dumpster fire, it’s very far from the first (or the last). The men of Bravo have been fumbling for quite some time now, practically waving red flags above their heads like girlies trying to get Harry Styles to read their signs at a concert: as high as they can, right in our faces. Well, we’ve noticed them, and we’re taking notes so we know exactly what not to fall for in our relationships. Here are some red flags to look out for, courtesy of Bravo-relationships:

They’ve cheated in multiple relationships

Tom Sandoval, James Kennedy, and Randall Emmets of Vanderpump Rules (yeah, this cast has got to get it together), Tom D’Agostino of RHONY, and Shep Rose of Southern Charm walk into a bar—what are they doing? Probably cheating on their partners. Again. 

Yup, every one of them has been unfaithful in more than one relationship. So when they aren’t Prince Charming to our favorite Bravo ladies…it adds up. Learning that the person you’re interested in has cheated at all in the past is never fun. But every relationship and circumstance is different, so hearing them out and being willing to work through that is valid. However, if they’ve been disloyal to several partners before you came along, it’s something to very heavily consider. It wasn’t some one-off mistake, so when they swear to you they’ve ~changed~, maybe take it with the world’s biggest grain of salt.

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Your friends are pointing out their red flags to you

Yes, you should always prioritize the fact that someone makes you happy. Duh! But, if more than one person in your life is telling you that they’re noticing some not-so-great things about a potential or current partner, that’s something to take note of. We’re not talking comments from people you’re not very tight-knit with, but more so the ones who you trust, with opinions you value. Your ride-or-dies, if you will.

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Both Luann of RHONY and Ariana of Vanderpump Rules had some of their closest friends and loved ones come through with concerns about their respectful Toms in the earlier stages of the relationships (yes, both were done dirty by a Tom…we’ll get to that in a second). But alas, the rose-colored glasses were on, and they found out about their partner’s true colors later rather than sooner. Always listen to yourself, but remember that sometimes people on the outside (with your best interest in mind) can notice those flags before you do.

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They’re a little too secretive in the early stages

I’m not saying you have to lay out your entire life story and social security number to someone within a month of talking. (In fact, please don’t.) Opening up to a person takes time, which is okay. But, there’s a difference between naturally taking time to open up and hiding things that you don’t want them to know. It’s not the easiest red flag to pick out, but a huge one to keep an eye on.

Take Lala Kent and Randall Emmett of Vanderpump Rules, for example. Lala claims that Randall offered her $14,000 to keep their romance a secret in the beginning. Why, you ask? Well, he was still legally married to his ex-wife and didn’t want the world to know, of course. While most cases aren’t this extreme (and if they are, Godspeed to you), it’s a good reminder to be wary of anyone that’s noticeably holding a lot back. Whether they don’t want people to know about you or they’re keeping too quiet about parts of themselves, that red flag is flying.

They get mad at you for things you can’t control

When Lenny would act resentful towards Lisa on RHOM because of her infertility issues? Or when he got angry at her when vendors showed up late to a party they were throwing? Jaw on the floor. Those are very obvious things that Lisa had zero control over, and watching her receive the blame from someone who’s supposed to be her #1 fan was an ugly sight to see. At least now we know to be aware of the fact that that type of behavior is not it. 

You are not a punching bag! When something isn’t going as planned, be wary of partners who take it out on you. That screams manipulative and immature, and if you notice it’s becoming a pattern, that issue needs to be talked about ASAP (and if they get mad at you for bringing it up…that’s all the proof you need). 

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Above all else, if their name is Tom…run

Tom Schwartz, Tom Sandoval, Tom D’Agostino, Tom Girardi…need I say more? If you look up sleazy in a thesaurus, Tom is listed as a synonym. Sure, you shouldn’t ever judge a book by its cover, but you can and should judge by this name. Save yourself time. The anti-Tom era is incoming. 

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We’re joking (all the Toms out there are on thin ice for Bravo watchers, though). It has nothing to do with their name, but everything to do with that type of person in a relationship: the one you can’t trust, the one who’s full of excuses, the one who gaslights you… the list goes on. This kind of partner is never someone you should give your time and energy to. Check in with yourself, trust your gut and know that you deserve so much more than all of that BS. Don’t ignore or try to justify those big red flags—we are not following in those Bravolebrity footsteps.

ARE THESE RED FLAGS Hiding in Your Relationship?

Published on by LeeLeave a comment

Think of red flags in relationships like being “written up” at school or work. Being written up is not always a fireable offense, but it is something to pay attention to and course correct for a successful, productive experience. In the same way, not all red flags in a relationship mean you need to leave your partner and re-download a dating app. Identifying red flags, however, is a very useful tool for creating and maintaining a healthy relationship.

So, what are red flags in relationships, and how do we look for them? No worries, you don’t need to consult Google for this one. Let’s take this quiz and see what’s up in your relationship.

*Does your partner bring you joy?

Yes or No

Most of us have hobbies, interests, and activities that bring us joy and make our lives feel purposeful, fun, and worth sharing. The more joy we have, the more joy we have to bring into our relationships. For example, going to cycling classes makes me feel strong and happy and relieves my anxiety. When I come home to my partner after a good cycling class, I am more likely to let my happiness spill into my interactions with him, adding to the quality of our connection. SoulCycle for the win.

On the other hand, if I’m not intentional about participating in activities that add to my quality of life, then I am less likely to have the joy to bring back to my relationships. What a buzzkill, right?

*Does your partner bring value to the relationship?

Yes or No

When you ask someone in a healthy relationship about their partner, I promise their response will never be, “They just exist around me and that’s enough.” People in healthy relationships add value to each other’s lives.

It’s 2020—we don’t have time to waste on relationships that don’t serve a purpose. For example, my partner is very logical, and I am very creative. I help him explore creativity in a way he hasn’t experienced before, and he keeps me grounded and logical when my emotions like to take me for a ride.

The best way to measure this in your relationship is by imagining life without your partner. What’s missing? What are they able to teach you or how do they support you?

*Does your partner support your individuality?

Yes or No

Adding value to your relationship is key to success, but it is hard to do if your relationship doesn’t include space for individuality. I’m sure we have all heard the phrase “opposites attract,” and to an extent, that’s true. But the catch is opposite personality types can’t exist in harmony unless they still get to entertain those opposite interests that brought them together in the first place.

When we aren’t allowed space to be different in our relationships, we may begin to lose touch with our identity and then begin resenting our partner for “robbing” that from us. So no, doing everything together doesn’t make you stronger; in fact, it may be adding unnecessary tension. Your “me time” is this love doctor’s prescription for this red flag.

*Does your partner admit fault?

Yes or No

Speaking of tension, nothing is more infuriating than dealing with a partner who can recognize the good and not the bad. Even the perfect partner for you is human and has flaws. And while contributing positivity to the relationship is important, being able to recognize fault and resurrect it is equally important.

Sure, my cycling classes help me bring joy home to my man, his diverse interests add value to my life, and he supports my love for sex education and tap dancing. But none of that matters if when he washes the white clothes with the dark clothes he can’t admit that he made a mistake.

Sounds silly? Of course, it does. But if he can’t admit something as simple as a laundry mishap, what other obstacles in your relationship will your partner not take accountability for, and how will that affect your quality of life?

*Does your partner speak your apology language?

Yes or No

Surely you’ve read all about Gary Chapman’s love languages and understanding who is the best match for you based on how you receive love. So now, you’re an expert on love languages. But what about apology languages?

Just like being with someone who speaks your love language is important to feel loved and celebrated by your partner, being with someone who speaks your apology language is important to feel valued and respected. Admitting fault is important and is a great first step, but some people need more than that. For example, if my partner upsets me, I need him to not only apologize but also resolve the initial problem. For example, if my partner truly did wash the whites and the darks together, it wouldn’t feel resolved unless he took initiative to undo his mistake.

Having a partner who can correct conflict with you in a way that you can receive as resolved brings us back to the importance of the first question. Lingering resentment takes away from the joy that can be poured into one another. Therefore, a partner who is willing to learn what “making things right” feels like for you is mandatory for a healthy relationship.

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Congratulations! You made it through the quiz. Did your relationship pass the test?

If you got mostly yeses, congratulations, it seems you have a solid foundation for a beautiful relationship! Keep up the good work.

If you got a mix of yeses and nos, no worries. Now you are aware of some things to communicate with your partner about and work on together.

If you got mostly nos, it doesn’t mean you need to ghost your partner, but this is a great call inward to address some of the red flags in your relationship and work on building a stronger foundation together using the above guidelines.

Red flags typically have a reputation for being warning signs to jump ship. But as we have seen throughout this quiz, red flags, when identified and addressed correctly, can be helpful tools to create a stronger bond.

What red flags are hiding in your relationship, and what will you do about them?

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Autumn Morris is a Certified Intimacy Educator who works to help curious humans connect love, sex, intimacy, and life in 2020. Kind of like Dr. Ruth meets TikTok.

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