Tag: Relationship Advice

Shay Mitchell Just Dropped the Best Advice for Dealing With Relationship Anxiety

Published on by Lee1 Comment

Clingy, co-dependent, controlling? Not Shay Mitchell. We love Shay for a lot of reasons—her style, wellness routine, and travel bag brand BÉIS, to name a few—but it’s her recent advice for dealing with relationship anxiety that has made us fall in love with her even more than we ever thought was possible. In an interview that Shay did with Alex Cooper on the Call Her Daddy podcast, she was asked how she can trust her longtime boyfriend and father of two kids, Matte Babel, traveling with Drake, going to parties, and being around other women while she is at home with their kids, and Shay’s honest and relatable response was so profound that the clip garnered 8.5 million views and counting on TikTok.

Advertisements

Acting as a PSA to women everywhere, Shay Mitchell’s solution for dealing with relationship anxiety comes down to self-love, independence, and knowing your worth. We’re breaking down exactly how Shay implements this mindset into her own life and relationship and offering even more advice for how you can adopt it too.

What is relationship anxiety?

While it might sound self-explanatory, let’s first break down exactly what relationship anxiety is and where it stems from. According to Healthline, it refers to the feelings of worry, insecurity, and doubt that can pop up in a relationship, even if everything is going relatively well. You might wonder what your partner is doing when you’re not around, doubt their feelings for you, second guess their commitment to you and more. These feelings and thoughts usually stem from personal insecurities, past relationship experiences, attachment styles, or a lack of trust and communication.

The good news is that experiencing relationship anxiety is extremely common (even in the healthiest relationships); however, feelings of worry, insecurity, and doubt can start to make people spiral out of control, causing distress, sleepless nights, and ultimately affecting someone’s well-being as well as the well-being of their relationship. If you have ever experienced this or are experiencing it now, Shay’s advice is exactly what you need to hear.

Shay Mitchell’s advice for relationship anxiety

Let’s make one thing clear: Even though we consider Shay a total queen who can do no wrong, even she is not immune to experiencing relationship anxiety. She mentioned in the interview that she too has lost sleep worrying about her relationships in the past and that it can be hard even now because she does truly care. She goes on to say that if anything were to happen with her and her boyfriend, she would deal with it then, but for the sake of her happiness and the happiness of her partner, she says “I can’t live my life worrying about what he’s doing,” and to that, we say amen sister.

Shay adds that “when you truly love somebody, you want them to live their happiest life”—even if it’s not with you. You have to understand that you can’t control everyone around you—the only thing you can do is what’s best for you. So, if you are dealing with relationship anxiety, playing some variation of this Shay Mitchell quote in your head on repeat will help you tenfold: “If you can take him from me, then he’s yours.”

Advertisements

Why this advice can help relieve relationship anxiety

One of the main reasons why Shay can confidently navigate through her relationship without relationship anxiety is because she truly does believe that what’s meant to will be. She mentioned that when she used to worry about her past relationships, it got to the point where she would have to ask herself what would happen if something went wrong. She decided that her mindset would be “I’ll be OK, I’ll keep it moving,” adding that if that’s the case, it wasn’t meant to be.

If you have an anxious attachment style, this can be a hard lesson to learn, but once you accept that sleepless nights aren’t going to change anything, you’ll be less stressed, worried, and doubtful. “We’re going to do what we’re going to do,” according to Shay, so you can’t worry about something before it happens. She added that instead of spending time worrying about our partners, we should be spending time bettering ourselves. This will allow us to feel more confident in our independence, which will in turn help us feel more confident in ourselves and whatever the outcome of our relationship is.

Advertisements

How to implement Shay Mitchell’s advice in your relationship

If you are feeling like you are in a constant state of anxiety, worrying about what your partner is doing, how they feel about you, and if your relationship is going to last, Shay says that “you need to be in love with yourself more.” She added that “you shouldn’t be feeling that way in a healthy relationship, and if you are, then maybe it isn’t the right one.”

Start by accepting that whatever is going to happen will happen whether it’s for better or for worse in your relationship. You can’t drain your happiness trying to control the outcome or lose track of the valuable time that you could be focusing on yourself or spending genuine quality time with friends and family. Move forward by putting trust in your partner and truly wanting what is best for yourself and them as individuals first. That will reveal whether or not you and your partner will be together for the long haul or if there is something better waiting for both of you on the other side.

Dismissing Red Flags Ruined My Life For Years— Here’s How I Now Spot Red Flags Like a Pro:

Published on by Lee1 Comment

For years, I spent hurting in relationships, workplaces, and friendships by putting up with toxic people. It caused me a lot of pain because I felt lonely and unfulfilled. One day, I had enough and left my toxic relationship and began my healing journey. During it, I learned that toxic people all have the same traits that can be identified in the very beginning.

Advertisements

Here are the 5 most comment red flags I look for:

  • Disrespect: If the other person is consistently disrespectful or inconsiderate of your feelings, boundaries, or needs, this is a red flag. This may include things like talking down to you, belittling your ideas, or ignoring your requests.
  • Dishonesty: If the other person is not being honest with you, this is a red flag. This may include things like lying, withholding information, or gaslighting (manipulating you into doubting your perception of reality).
  • Controlling behavior: If the other person is trying to control you or your actions, this is a red flag. This may include things like telling you what to wear, who to spend time with, or how to spend your money.
  • Lack of accountability: If the other person is not willing to take responsibility for their actions or their mistakes, this is a red flag. This may include things like blaming others, making excuses, or denying wrongdoing.
  • Negativity: If the other person is consistently negative or critical, this is a red flag. This may include things like complaining, blaming, or being pessimistic.

By paying attention to these red flags, you can protect yourself from unhealthy or toxic relationships, friendships, or work environments. If you notice any of these red flags, it is important to trust your instincts and take action to protect yourself.

Advertisements

Why people dismiss red flags:

  1. Denial: People may ignore red flags in others because they do not want to believe that there is a problem or that something is wrong. This can be especially common when the red flags are related to difficult or unpleasant topics, such as addiction or abuse.
  2. Lack of awareness: People may not recognize red flags in others because they do not have enough information or knowledge about the situation. For example, they may not know the signs of a certain mental health condition or they may not be aware of the warning signs of a toxic relationship.
  3. Wishful thinking: People may ignore red flags in others because they are hoping that the problem will go away or that things will get better on their own. This can be especially common when the red flags are related to someone they care about, such as a friend or family member.
  4. Fear: People may ignore red flags in others because they are afraid of the consequences of acknowledging the problem or taking action. This can be especially common when the red flags are related to something intimidating or uncertain, such as a difficult conversation or a potential confrontation.
Advertisements

How to recognize red flags:

  1. Pay attention to your instincts. If you have a gut feeling that something is not right in a relationship, friendship, or workplace, pay attention to this feeling. Your instincts are often based on unconscious cues and observations, and they can be a valuable source of information.
  2. Notice patterns of behavior. Look for patterns of behavior that are concerning or that do not align with your values or expectations. For example, if someone is consistently disrespectful, unreliable, or dishonest, this may be a red flag.
  3. Pay attention to how you feel. Notice how you feel when you are around the person or in the workplace. If you consistently feel anxious, uncomfortable, or drained, this may be a red flag.
  4. Look for warning signs of abuse or manipulation. Be aware of warning signs of abuse or manipulation, such as controlling behavior, jealousy, or verbal or physical aggression. If you notice these behaviors, this is a red flag and you should seek help and support.
  5. Write down what you feel. If you are unsure at the moment, write it down and check back on it later if it comes up again or ask someone what they think. This also ensures you don’t forget what you noticed.
  6. Seek advice from others. If you are unsure about whether something is a red flag, consider seeking advice from others who are close to you or who have more experience in the situation. They may be able to provide a different perspective or valuable insights.
Advertisements

Red flags are warning signs that indicate potential problems or issues in a relationship, friendship, or workplace. These red flags can be subtle or overt, and they can be difficult to spot, especially if you are not looking for them. But you be cautious about protecting your energy because that is the most valuable thing you have. The people around you have a profound impact on your well-being and success.

Blame Tom Sandoval: 10 Red Flags We Are On High Alert For

Published on by LeeLeave a comment

Most people think that reality TV shows have no educational value whatsoever, but I beg to differ. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in life has been taught to me through the very cheating scandals and heartbreaks that give these shows their “bad rap”. It’s one so invaluable that my college professors could only dream of teaching me something even half as useful: know the red flags when you see them. And no network has drilled that into my dating brain quite like Bravo has. 

Advertisements

If you’re not up to speed on the current Vanderpump Rules drama, the main thing you need to know is that it’s yet another classic case of men aren’t sh*t. Tom Sandoval (a star on the show) has been accused of cheating on his long-time girlfriend Ariana Madix (also a star on the show) with Raquel Leviss (you guessed it—she’s also a star on the show). Are we pissed? Absolutely. But are we shocked? Sadly, no.

While this is the most recent Bravo relationship dumpster fire, it’s very far from the first (or the last). The men of Bravo have been fumbling for quite some time now, practically waving red flags above their heads like girlies trying to get Harry Styles to read their signs at a concert: as high as they can, right in our faces. Well, we’ve noticed them, and we’re taking notes so we know exactly what not to fall for in our relationships. Here are some red flags to look out for, courtesy of Bravo-relationships:

They’ve cheated in multiple relationships

Tom Sandoval, James Kennedy, and Randall Emmets of Vanderpump Rules (yeah, this cast has got to get it together), Tom D’Agostino of RHONY, and Shep Rose of Southern Charm walk into a bar—what are they doing? Probably cheating on their partners. Again. 

Yup, every one of them has been unfaithful in more than one relationship. So when they aren’t Prince Charming to our favorite Bravo ladies…it adds up. Learning that the person you’re interested in has cheated at all in the past is never fun. But every relationship and circumstance is different, so hearing them out and being willing to work through that is valid. However, if they’ve been disloyal to several partners before you came along, it’s something to very heavily consider. It wasn’t some one-off mistake, so when they swear to you they’ve ~changed~, maybe take it with the world’s biggest grain of salt.

Advertisements

Your friends are pointing out their red flags to you

Yes, you should always prioritize the fact that someone makes you happy. Duh! But, if more than one person in your life is telling you that they’re noticing some not-so-great things about a potential or current partner, that’s something to take note of. We’re not talking comments from people you’re not very tight-knit with, but more so the ones who you trust, with opinions you value. Your ride-or-dies, if you will.

Advertisements

Both Luann of RHONY and Ariana of Vanderpump Rules had some of their closest friends and loved ones come through with concerns about their respectful Toms in the earlier stages of the relationships (yes, both were done dirty by a Tom…we’ll get to that in a second). But alas, the rose-colored glasses were on, and they found out about their partner’s true colors later rather than sooner. Always listen to yourself, but remember that sometimes people on the outside (with your best interest in mind) can notice those flags before you do.

Advertisements

They’re a little too secretive in the early stages

I’m not saying you have to lay out your entire life story and social security number to someone within a month of talking. (In fact, please don’t.) Opening up to a person takes time, which is okay. But, there’s a difference between naturally taking time to open up and hiding things that you don’t want them to know. It’s not the easiest red flag to pick out, but a huge one to keep an eye on.

Take Lala Kent and Randall Emmett of Vanderpump Rules, for example. Lala claims that Randall offered her $14,000 to keep their romance a secret in the beginning. Why, you ask? Well, he was still legally married to his ex-wife and didn’t want the world to know, of course. While most cases aren’t this extreme (and if they are, Godspeed to you), it’s a good reminder to be wary of anyone that’s noticeably holding a lot back. Whether they don’t want people to know about you or they’re keeping too quiet about parts of themselves, that red flag is flying.

They get mad at you for things you can’t control

When Lenny would act resentful towards Lisa on RHOM because of her infertility issues? Or when he got angry at her when vendors showed up late to a party they were throwing? Jaw on the floor. Those are very obvious things that Lisa had zero control over, and watching her receive the blame from someone who’s supposed to be her #1 fan was an ugly sight to see. At least now we know to be aware of the fact that that type of behavior is not it. 

You are not a punching bag! When something isn’t going as planned, be wary of partners who take it out on you. That screams manipulative and immature, and if you notice it’s becoming a pattern, that issue needs to be talked about ASAP (and if they get mad at you for bringing it up…that’s all the proof you need). 

Advertisements

Above all else, if their name is Tom…run

Tom Schwartz, Tom Sandoval, Tom D’Agostino, Tom Girardi…need I say more? If you look up sleazy in a thesaurus, Tom is listed as a synonym. Sure, you shouldn’t ever judge a book by its cover, but you can and should judge by this name. Save yourself time. The anti-Tom era is incoming. 

Advertisements

We’re joking (all the Toms out there are on thin ice for Bravo watchers, though). It has nothing to do with their name, but everything to do with that type of person in a relationship: the one you can’t trust, the one who’s full of excuses, the one who gaslights you… the list goes on. This kind of partner is never someone you should give your time and energy to. Check in with yourself, trust your gut and know that you deserve so much more than all of that BS. Don’t ignore or try to justify those big red flags—we are not following in those Bravolebrity footsteps.

HOW TO SET Better boundaries

Published on by LeeLeave a comment

Does anyone else feel like the phrase ‘boundaries’ is trending? There’s always a new self-care / self-help focus that everyone’s talking about and all I’m hearing about lately is boundaries. Which got me thinking about my own.

To me, having boundaries means that you know when to let people/events/commitments into your life, and more importantly, when to NOT let them into your life. For the most part, I feel like I’ve conquered boundaries as an adult but there’s always room for improvement. Here are my thoughts on boundaries + what I do to respect my own:

Advertisements

+ Wait to respond

Anyone who has my cell number will tell you that I’m bad at texting, but I disagree. If I think about it from a boundaries perspective, I’m good at text boundaries.

Yes, it might mean I’m not always quick to respond but that’s because I’m choosey about when and how I respond. Everyone thinks they deserve a response (or need to give one) within a matter of minutes these days and IMO, that’s not realistic or healthy. Sometimes I get texts but I’m focused on school, work, emails, writing a blog post, or am with the family, so I won’t respond. Sometimes I get texts but I’m scrolling TikTok or Amazon and having my time, and I won’t respond right away. Sometimes texts I get are unnecessary or don’t necessarily need a response, so I don’t respond…ever. Which is OKAY!

This doesn’t mean I don’t care about the person texting me or what they’re saying, it means I have boundaries. I like to reply to text messages when I want to when I have the time, and when I’m not trying to be present with my family. 99.9% of the time, a text can wait until you’re at peace to respond. If it’s an emergency, they’ll call.

Try waiting to respond, whether it’s a text or email or whatever until you’re in the right mindset to respond. Or if you can’t help yourself, turn on Airplane mode so that you’re not tempted. This not only helps your peace of mind but sets up boundaries around when / how you respond. It also trains people to know that they can’t expect an immediate response from you (which I think is healthy!).

+ Get comfortable with saying ‘no’

Saying ‘yes’ out of habit or guilt is probably the number one reason why boundaries are broken. I fall for this, especially with the guilt part, but I’m usually able to say ‘no’ without feeling bad about it. Especially if I break down the honest reason behind why I need to say no. For example, ‘I’d love to attend but I need to be there for my mom, my aunt is having another episode or my mom just needs it, so I can’t make it. Hope the event is a success!’ Or, ‘This sounds like a great opportunity. I’m unfortunately feeling overwhelmed with my commitments right now so I’ll have to pass, but I’d love to stay in touch.’

 + Learn your boundaires

If you have no clue whether you have boundaries or not, learn about them. Lauryn from The Skinny Confidential podcast had a sought-after boundaries relationship expert on her show a while back so I’m linking that episode here. The expert happened to be Licensed Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, MSW, LCSW, author of bestsellers Drama Free and Set Boundaries Find Peace. She has practiced relationship therapy for 15 years and is the founder and owner of the group therapy practice, Kaleidoscope Counseling.

Nedra has appeared as an expert on Red Table Talk, The Breakfast Club, Good Morning America, and CBS Morning Show to name a few. Her work has been highlighted in The New York Times, The Guardian, and Vice, and has appeared on numerous podcasts, including The School of Greatness, We Can Do Hard Things, and Ten Percent Happier. Tawwab runs a popular Instagram account where she shares practices, tools, and reflections for mental health and relationships.

Lauryn from The Skinny Confidential and the boundary licensed expert walks you through difficult boundary conversations, how to deal with setting your boundaries, etc.

Advertisements

Here are more boundary tips with valuable talking points:

Advertisements

+ Voice them

I’m not great at voicing my feelings but I will speak up if I feel like my boundaries are being violated. This year, I felt like I was getting requests from family, friends, my partner, and from work. It was all too much. It felt overwhelming and like everywhere I turned, work was waiting and people constantly calling my name for everything. I spoke up and set some specific boundaries around work (like ‘no, I can not come on a Saturday my time off to help set up another classroom graduation) ( oh, it is mandatory for all teachers well that was never said when hiring me and I am just now finding out about it, so NO). And it was as easy as that. If someone had the same request, you better believe I’d respect their boundaries.

I’m sure we all have blurred boundaries with work, especially since most jobs don’t end when you ‘leave the office’. I suggest setting up boundaries so that your team/boss / whoever knows when and how to reach you (within reason, of course). Certain people I work with even put their availability in their email signature so it’s a clear reminder of their boundaries. You can also set offline notifications on most communication platforms like Slack or whatever, so utilize those.

Some boundaries are more sensitive than others. For example, in-laws or your parents stopping by unannounced 5x a week or a bitchy boss who thinks she owns your life. These cases will probably require you to write out the WHY behind your request for a boundary…and things might be awkward. But in the end, most of these convos are never as bad as we assume them to be. Be assertive and kind, and if they don’t understand, that’s on them.

Advertisements

+ Get alone time

As someone in their mid 20’s who works full time, goes to school full time, and is a caretaker to family members, I have zero physical boundaries in my life, which I LOVE at times, and it’s also overwhelming AF. There are days when I don’t shower, go to the bathroom, or sit alone for even 5 minutes. Add in having a partner who has all these needs and trauma. So I will feel touched out physically. When I feel like this, I know I need alone time ASAP, so I try to work it into the following day. There’s something about being alone and no one needing you physically or emotionally for even 30 minutes that can seriously help.

+ Trust your gut

I’m huge on following my intuition or gut in all situations, and it can help with boundaries. Whether you’re questioning if you’re the one overstepping on someone’s boundaries OR if someone is overstepping yours, your gut usually knows what’s up.

Do you have set boundaries in your life?