Tag: Real Talk

HOW I PRIORITIZE Friendships

Published on by LeeLeave a comment

When I was writing my monthly top priorities, I realized that I didn’t have space for ‘friends’ on my list. This is something I’ve become aware of towards the end of July. With me starting to do partnerships and collaborations again, school starting back up, and trying to build my TikTok, it wasn’t until I made that list that I realized how little I truly have time for friends right now. Which is okay! Throughout life, there will always be ebbs and flows with your priorities, and while friends were a top priority throughout my early twenties, things have changed. That’s not to say I don’t love and value my friendships because I do. It’s just what I’m able to give my full attention to right now, and honestly, a lot of my friends feel the same.

Whether you’re in a stage where friendships are hard to prioritize OR you’re feeling like you want to prioritize them more, here are my thoughts.

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Quality over quantity

I’ve always been someone with a small circle of friends. I’d much rather have a tight-knit crew of people vs. being acquaintances with everyone – it’s always been quality over quantity for me. This works best for my personality and for maintaining relationships since I know that even if I go a while without talking to a friend, the relationships are strong enough to last.

I know it might feel like you need to be friends with everyone, especially in your 20s, but you don’t. If you feel stressed about keeping up with too many people, think about the friends that make you feel the best. Who does it feel natural with? Forced? Positive or negative? Who can you sit with 1:1 on the couch without an agenda? Who do you trust? Who do you feel like you’re performing for?

Make people feel special in your way

People that don’t know me well are always surprised to find out that I’m a thoughtful person. I know I have a hard exterior and an IDGAF attitude but I’ll always make time to send a friend something for her birthday or when they’re pregnant or whatever. Even if I don’t talk to that person daily or haven’t seen them in a year, it’s my way of letting them know I’m thinking about them.

I’m not saying you need to buy your friends gifts to prioritize them, but those thoughtful acts come naturally to me, so I act on them. Just like we have those friends who are amazing at checking in or planning things, I’m the friend to buy you a cute birthday present LOL. Find the love language that you like to give and then shower your friends with it.

Schedule in-person time

I’m the worst at texting. I honestly hate it – same with phone calls. It’s not personal, and luckily my friends know this about me, but it comes down to the fact that I’d always rather hang out with someone in person vs. catch up over the phone. I’m much more present and a better friend when I have quality time with friends in person so I try to make that happen when possible. This is harder with friends who live far away but scheduling girl trips once a year or even meeting a friend for lunch keeps the friendship going for me.

Be there for the important things

In this stage of life, I might not be able to make every get-together or whatever, but I’m always there for the important things.

Don’t stress if you don’t see your friends for every celebration but don’t miss the important things. You’ll know what those are. It is different for everyone.

Be honest

Another reason I have fewer friends is that I can be honest with them and vice versa. I’d always rather have someone say ‘Hey, I love you but I’m super busy right now with work and I can’t make it’ vs. stringing me along with bullsh*t excuses.

Be real with people and if they’re your true friends, they’ll understand.

Are you in a friend’s stage of life? If not, how do you still prioritize them?

HOW TO SET Better boundaries

Published on by LeeLeave a comment

Does anyone else feel like the phrase ‘boundaries’ is trending? There’s always a new self-care / self-help focus that everyone’s talking about and all I’m hearing about lately is boundaries. Which got me thinking about my own.

To me, having boundaries means that you know when to let people/events/commitments into your life, and more importantly, when to NOT let them into your life. For the most part, I feel like I’ve conquered boundaries as an adult but there’s always room for improvement. Here are my thoughts on boundaries + what I do to respect my own:

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+ Wait to respond

Anyone who has my cell number will tell you that I’m bad at texting, but I disagree. If I think about it from a boundaries perspective, I’m good at text boundaries.

Yes, it might mean I’m not always quick to respond but that’s because I’m choosey about when and how I respond. Everyone thinks they deserve a response (or need to give one) within a matter of minutes these days and IMO, that’s not realistic or healthy. Sometimes I get texts but I’m focused on school, work, emails, writing a blog post, or am with the family, so I won’t respond. Sometimes I get texts but I’m scrolling TikTok or Amazon and having my time, and I won’t respond right away. Sometimes texts I get are unnecessary or don’t necessarily need a response, so I don’t respond…ever. Which is OKAY!

This doesn’t mean I don’t care about the person texting me or what they’re saying, it means I have boundaries. I like to reply to text messages when I want to when I have the time, and when I’m not trying to be present with my family. 99.9% of the time, a text can wait until you’re at peace to respond. If it’s an emergency, they’ll call.

Try waiting to respond, whether it’s a text or email or whatever until you’re in the right mindset to respond. Or if you can’t help yourself, turn on Airplane mode so that you’re not tempted. This not only helps your peace of mind but sets up boundaries around when / how you respond. It also trains people to know that they can’t expect an immediate response from you (which I think is healthy!).

+ Get comfortable with saying ‘no’

Saying ‘yes’ out of habit or guilt is probably the number one reason why boundaries are broken. I fall for this, especially with the guilt part, but I’m usually able to say ‘no’ without feeling bad about it. Especially if I break down the honest reason behind why I need to say no. For example, ‘I’d love to attend but I need to be there for my mom, my aunt is having another episode or my mom just needs it, so I can’t make it. Hope the event is a success!’ Or, ‘This sounds like a great opportunity. I’m unfortunately feeling overwhelmed with my commitments right now so I’ll have to pass, but I’d love to stay in touch.’

 + Learn your boundaires

If you have no clue whether you have boundaries or not, learn about them. Lauryn from The Skinny Confidential podcast had a sought-after boundaries relationship expert on her show a while back so I’m linking that episode here. The expert happened to be Licensed Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, MSW, LCSW, author of bestsellers Drama Free and Set Boundaries Find Peace. She has practiced relationship therapy for 15 years and is the founder and owner of the group therapy practice, Kaleidoscope Counseling.

Nedra has appeared as an expert on Red Table Talk, The Breakfast Club, Good Morning America, and CBS Morning Show to name a few. Her work has been highlighted in The New York Times, The Guardian, and Vice, and has appeared on numerous podcasts, including The School of Greatness, We Can Do Hard Things, and Ten Percent Happier. Tawwab runs a popular Instagram account where she shares practices, tools, and reflections for mental health and relationships.

Lauryn from The Skinny Confidential and the boundary licensed expert walks you through difficult boundary conversations, how to deal with setting your boundaries, etc.

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Here are more boundary tips with valuable talking points:

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+ Voice them

I’m not great at voicing my feelings but I will speak up if I feel like my boundaries are being violated. This year, I felt like I was getting requests from family, friends, my partner, and from work. It was all too much. It felt overwhelming and like everywhere I turned, work was waiting and people constantly calling my name for everything. I spoke up and set some specific boundaries around work (like ‘no, I can not come on a Saturday my time off to help set up another classroom graduation) ( oh, it is mandatory for all teachers well that was never said when hiring me and I am just now finding out about it, so NO). And it was as easy as that. If someone had the same request, you better believe I’d respect their boundaries.

I’m sure we all have blurred boundaries with work, especially since most jobs don’t end when you ‘leave the office’. I suggest setting up boundaries so that your team/boss / whoever knows when and how to reach you (within reason, of course). Certain people I work with even put their availability in their email signature so it’s a clear reminder of their boundaries. You can also set offline notifications on most communication platforms like Slack or whatever, so utilize those.

Some boundaries are more sensitive than others. For example, in-laws or your parents stopping by unannounced 5x a week or a bitchy boss who thinks she owns your life. These cases will probably require you to write out the WHY behind your request for a boundary…and things might be awkward. But in the end, most of these convos are never as bad as we assume them to be. Be assertive and kind, and if they don’t understand, that’s on them.

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+ Get alone time

As someone in their mid 20’s who works full time, goes to school full time, and is a caretaker to family members, I have zero physical boundaries in my life, which I LOVE at times, and it’s also overwhelming AF. There are days when I don’t shower, go to the bathroom, or sit alone for even 5 minutes. Add in having a partner who has all these needs and trauma. So I will feel touched out physically. When I feel like this, I know I need alone time ASAP, so I try to work it into the following day. There’s something about being alone and no one needing you physically or emotionally for even 30 minutes that can seriously help.

+ Trust your gut

I’m huge on following my intuition or gut in all situations, and it can help with boundaries. Whether you’re questioning if you’re the one overstepping on someone’s boundaries OR if someone is overstepping yours, your gut usually knows what’s up.

Do you have set boundaries in your life?

How to LAST LONGER IN BED

Published on by Lee1 Comment

Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and we do our research and then craft a story to answer as many as we can. This week we tapped Cheryl Fagan, sexpert and founder of On Top, to provide the steamy secret to standout stamina. She’s also responsible for deeply explaining holistic sexuality to our readers.

We know you’re antsy for the answer, so we’ll let her take it from here.

I Want to Last Longer in Bed. What Can I Do? 

“The answer to this question will differ from person to person. This question takes some self-inquiry. It’s not necessarily a matter of tricks and techniques you need to learn but getting real within and knowing what it is that you are expecting from the experience of sex.

Why do you want to last longer? Are you getting tired? Or bored? Is it because the pleasure is so intense you can’t get enough or is it that you think you ‘should be going for longer? This question needs to be considered from a biopsychosocial approach. There could be something going on hormonally or maybe medication is having an influence (I’d encourage seeing a medical professional rule this out). We want to consider some cultural myths or expectations that you may need to let go of. Are there interpersonal relationship issues? Do you feel safe? Do you know your sexual needs matter just as much as your partner’s? How are your self-esteem and sexual energy?

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We live in a culture that is constantly telling us that sex is about performance, but satisfying/nourishing/mind-blowing sex is so much deeper than that. It’s not just about lasting longer but being completely satisfied. So how can we help you find sexual satisfaction…

Without knowing all of the details, I’m going to approach this from a psychological perspective. What did I mean earlier when I said it’s not about tricks, but about self-awareness? Knowing your sexual inhibitions and how to work with them is the key to having the sex life you desire.

Sexual inhibitions can be conscious or subconscious blocks that we have to experience sexual desire or arousal. They can be a result of your upbringing, social conditioning, past experiences, and so on.

It’s not about more techniques or skills but lessening those inhibitions.

One aspect of being sexually empowered is knowing your ons and offs. What turns you on and what turns you off? List them. Consider your most memorable and mind-blowing sexual experience (if you don’t think you’ve had that—what is a fantasy?), and write down what you felt, smelled, saw, tasted, and heard. What was so good about it? Now think of a not-so-great sexual experience and answer those same questions. Don’t judge yourself—if you don’t like some positions, that’s OK, or if you like the lights a certain way, that’s OK. Once you have a better sense of this and can communicate that to yourself and then to your partner(s), you’re on the road to the sex you desire. Being able to honestly communicate about sex is one of the greatest determining factors of how enjoyable sex will be for you.

Once you understand your ons and offs better, act on that. Do the things that increase your arousal and limit the offs. When you’re so aroused, present in the moment, and prioritizing your pleasure and your partner’s pleasure, I am sure it will last as long as you both need for the satisfaction you’re after.”

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8 TIPS TO COMBAT STRESS + ANXIETY

Published on by Lee4 Comments

I’ve battled with severe bouts of anxiety since I was a child. I won’t get into my life story spiel on that here today, but if you’d like to see a video or potentially even listen to a podcast episode about that, please comment below! I released my first audio download to test the waters on the idea of doing a podcast, so if you’re interested in that medium and want to hear my intimate answer to the frequently asked question “When/Will you ever be coming to YouTube again?”, subscribe to BeautyLeeBar.com for all the updates!!

What I’m sharing here in this post today is a collection of lessons and practices in no particular order that I’ve learned to put into practice over 20 years of battling with this mental health issue. I am 23 years young, just keep that in mind. I promise you that at least one of these 8 tools will help you help yourself and your mental health TODAY! I use all of them regularly, depending on what my mind and body need on any given day.

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Journal – Brain dumping your emotions, thoughts, and circumstances onto a piece of paper gets them out of your racing mind and onto something outside of yourself that you can digest and reflect on. It doesn’t have to make sense, doesn’t have to be intentional, but it has to flow out of you onto that paper. You can make sense of it and set intentions for yourself regarding what to do with it later. The simple act of doing it will usually provide an immediate sense of relief on its own.

Serving Others – Perspective and purpose is everything. Both can be found in serving others. When we’re drowning in our feels and stuck in a shitty season, it can be challenging to see the potential, opportunities, and blessings we have in our grasp. Being of service and helping others provides a great sense of positive purpose that can enlighten and evolve our perspectives and passions. 

Therapy – I struggled with therapy for a long ass time. I’ve talked and walked my way out of therapist’s offices since I was a kid, but boy oh boy, am I a prime candidate!

I didn’t want to feel crazy. I didn’t want to need therapy.

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So I successfully convinced countless therapists I was fiiine after just a couple of sessions. It wasn’t until my emotions got aggressively thrown out of whack when I decided to work in retail that I finally sought and consistently stick to the regular therapy I’ve needed for far too long. It’s something I look forward to every week. It’s like a verbal journaling session with some friendly professional guidance on the digestion and reflection part.

Support – A therapist is an important form of support because they’re completely unbiased to your situation and emotions… and they’re paid to listen. However, the people who love you are important to support tools to get comfortable uncomfortably leaning into when you’re in need. You may feel ashamed or embarrassed about what they’ll think of you or even feel that you don’t want to burden the people you care about with your shit. Those feelings come from a place of care and consideration for those people, which is something that I’d put good money on is reciprocated. They’ll more than likely want to be there for you in your moments of need. I forget to do this one a lot myself, but I’m lucky to have a friend that knows me better than myself some days and pushes me to lean in just when I need to.

Exercise – MOVE. YOUR. BODY. Endorphins are magical things!!! Sweat that anxiety out of your pores one mile or burpee or downward dog at a time. Actively moving your body works wonders for your mind. ALL THE TIME.

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Pray – Whether you’re praying to God or the universe or your loved ones passed or… the black space you see when you close your eyes, whatever works! And it works. Simply voicing your please’s and thank you’s is something we forget to do when we grow up and take the burden of life directly on our backs. Thank you for this and please help me with that. These are super simple sentences that make a big impact in making you feel like you can push gratitude and desires out of your mind and off of your shoulders alone.

Read – Knowledge is power. Educating myself in digestible tidbits daily has done wonders for my confidence and anxiety. Learning is a powerful tool for gaining perspective and inspiring passion and purpose. It’s also just a great temporary distraction from your own whirling thoughts!

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Just Fucking Cry – Self-explanatory. Sometimes, ya just gotta do it and when you give in to that moment, it can feel so good. I’m not a crier… unless I’m watching Forrest Gump, Irreplaceable You, Blue Is The Warmest Color, Freedom Writers, Moonlight, The Pursuit of Happyness, Pearl Harbor, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, Fruitvale Station and Boys Don’t Cry. I’m a sucker for a heartbreaking/heartwarming story and usually, my tears come from empathy for others, but I don’t cry often for myself. I used to. Then life happens and you get used to sucking it up and moving forward, but sometimes that bottles something up that needs releasing. If that anxiety has you stuck, it’s usually a good time to let the waterworks flow for a hot minute. Indulge in it and let it out.

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These obviously aren’t all of the ways you can relieve anxiety, but they’re mine and now, if any of them resonated with you, they’re yours! They’re simple, you don’t need a prescription for any of ‘em and you can practice them anytime, anywhere. It’s good to have a few of these tools in your back pocket at all times because as I’m sure you already know if you’re reading this, anxiety can be one unpredictable witch!

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