Do you feel like anxiety runs point in your day? Do you wonder what in the world is going on with you that you have these stressed-out reactions that feel disproportionate to the reality of what’s at hand?
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The truth is that your reactions can get triggered in response to a real or imagined event. The part of you that overrides reality and kicks up a sometimes-surprising physical response does not know the difference between what’s actually taking place and what’s not real. That can be baffling because it can make you do things that don’t make sense. And no one likes to be the foolio or feel hijacked by their fight-or-flight response.
Let’s discuss: say you’re at a campground with friends, and you hear a loud noise that scares you. You then find you’ve hightailed it across the campground into your tent before you’ve had time to even sort through if that noise is actually a real and present danger. Stay with me—here’s what has happened. Your subconscious mind hijacked your conscious mind (the part that feels like you). You heard the noise. Your subconscious, which stores all your memories, downloaded a memory of a threat (i.e. a bear growl) that it had stored in its complex hard drive; your imagination envisioned a bear in your immediate environment. It then sent a message to your autonomic nervous system, which houses all hormones (like adrenaline, which makes you move fast), your senses became hyper-alert, and your heart rate increased—all for your survival. Before you could check to see if there indeed was a bear about to eat you, your body drove you to seek safety—all in seconds. But then what if your friends, while you were cowering, began to laugh at your folly, as one of them had merely opened the zipper on their bag, and that was the sound your subconscious deemed dangerous that caused you to run for shelter? It would undoubtedly feel like a bodily betrayal.
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But you have to give thanks for the fight-or-flight response, because it has literally kept humankind alive for thousands of years of evolution as a species. It’s not as necessary day to day now because we aren’t being hunted by lions as we once were. We aren’t always fighting for our survival, and yet, our body still gets flooded with messages to flee or fight back. Makes you question how often you have automatically reacted in that irrational mode because of an unconscious download, then responded in kind, with an over-the-top, inappropriate response because you felt threatened—and that wasn’t actually the case. Anxiety disorders come into focus when that response becomes triggered easily and often, and the brain learns to perceive the world as more dangerous than it actually is. It becomes the norm, and that’s taxing on your whole system and your quality of life.
The more you can realize when the fight-or-flight is happening, the more you can be present with the reality of what’s truly unfolding. You can then allow your life to be directed by responding instead of reacting to daily events that pose no real threat. You start to see where your anxiety has you by the nose, where you consistently allow yourself to fly off the handle to attack, defend, or find yourself running from conflict. All are good indicators that these are areas where you can work on being more mindful, more present, more conscious. Breathing through automatic responses of fight-or-flight to stabilize your anxiety levels is helpful. It allows you to feel more in control and, ultimately, happier as a result. And your flight-or-flight response can show up for you in instances where it’s actually useful, when there’s a real need for its gift.
It’s centuries too late if you ask me, but our culture is finally starting to embrace the female orgasm and acknowledge the fact that women feel, want, and need pleasure too (shocking!). Scientists are researchingdeterminants of female orgasms, women are singing about feelin’ themselves, and people wouldn’t bat an eye if Sally pulled her orgasm-in-public performance in 2020 (well, maybe they would, but you get the point).
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All of this is amazing progress for long-overdue gender equality (and we still have a lot of work left to achieve it), but all this “O” talk can put pressure on women to reach an orgasm, whether they’venever had one, can only have one by themselves, or only know one way to have one (news flash: there are lots of ways). So for the betterment of your sex life (and because pleasure is your human right), here are 10 ways to orgasm that you might not have thought of, according to sex therapists and experts.
Megwyn White, a certified clinical sexologist and director of education at Satisfyer, suggested practices like drybrushing and scalp massage to increase sexuality and pleasure. “Dry brushing is a great way to stimulate circulation and detox the skin,” White said. “You’ll feel refreshed, and your tissues will feel soft and satiated. It’s a great self-care practice that can add a sensual start or end to your day. Likewise, giving yourself a scalp treatment at home with essential oils can reduce stress and activate your senses. You’ll feel refreshed, invigorated, and sexier.” Bottom line: find the indulgent practices that connect your mind with your body and stimulate the senses. You’ll feel heightened awareness that can translate into more sexual pleasure (and the chance to check out yo’ bad self in the mirror will be an added sexy bonus).
2. Explore blended orgasms
Here’s the good news: from clitoral orgasms to nipple orgasms, there’s no shortage of orgasms to be had. And better yet, they don’t necessarily have to be independent of one another. A blended orgasm is two (or more) simultaneous orgasms, resulting in an intense, full-body response. While this may sound difficult and you may be thinking great, even more pressure in the climax department, know that our bodies are meant to experience multiple different sensations.
“If you stimulate multiple regions, you create more intense sensations, and multiple nerves communicate the sensation of pleasure at the same time,” said Dr. Jess O’Reilly, founder of Sex With Dr. Jess and Astroglide’s resident sexologist. For example, the vagus nerve is believed to communicate signals from the cervix, uterus, and vagina, bypassing the spinal cord. Crazy, right!? Bottom line: there’s more to your sexuality than just the vagina. Explore, experiment, and try multiple different forms of pleasure at once.
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3. Get creative juices flowing
That’s right: that pottery class you took in college could have been increasing your chance to orgasm. “Sexual energy and artistic expression are not mutually exclusive,” White said. “Creativity will naturally stir the pot of your sexual nature and also invite you to think out of the box and invite new experiences into your world.” No matter if your favorite form of creativity is singing, dancing, painting, or scrapbooking, it doesn’t necessarily have to be erotic to help boost your pleasure when it comes to sex.
Being creative in whatever way feels expressive and enjoyable to you can tap into your sexual energy, but will also get you into a creative and open mindset that will encourage you to try new things (see #6 below). You can tell your significant other we told you to sign up for that painting class or dance lesson (and I’m sure when they know the benefits, they’ll want to join too).
4. Talk about sex
Looks likeSalt-N-Pepa were onto something! Kamil Lewis, AMFT, believes getting comfortable talking about sex outside of the bedroom can help encourage a healthy sex life. “Talking about sex with friends is a great way to normalize sex and provides a space to ask questions and hear about other experiences,” Lewis said. “The more comfortable you feel talking about sex, the more empowered you will feel when it’s time to get into it.”
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Yes, it’s important to have a support system outside of your relationship or sexual partner (Sex-and-the-City style) to talk openly about sex and normalize a lot of the subjects that have been taboo for far too long. But it’s equally just as important to communicate openly and honestly with your sexual partner, whether you’re in a committed relationship or not. “Give yourself permission to talk with your partner or partners about orgasms,” Lewis said. “If this is something you want to change in your relationship, it’s important to bring it up.”
5. Build sensuality outside of the bedroom
Sexuality is an equal mix of physical and mental. It’s not going to immediately switch on when you walk into the bedroom, nor is it reserved for the bedroom. Hani Avital, clinical sexologist and sensuality expert, said it best to S Life Magazine, “Sexuality is our life force. The more we cultivate that energy in everything we do, the more alive we will feel. Period.” Remember that your sexuality is powerful and life-giving, not shameful. Build sensuality in your day-to-day life by indulging in self-care that feels good (like massaging in body oil after your shower or taking a decadent bath) and making decisions based on what would feel more pleasurable for you.
Not only will this help you feel more vibrant in your day-to-day life, but it might also help you experience more pleasure in the bedroom. Lewis recommended using mindful moments throughout the day, like paying attention to the temperature of the water in your shower or the smells of your food, to feel more connected to your body and improve sexual connection. Dr. O’Reilly agreed. “You are not a light switch. You likely can’t transition from talking about your kids and taxes to indulging in sexual pleasure and orgasm,” she said. “Take time to indulge in all things pleasurable throughout the day to cultivate more presence in your body and remind yourself that pleasure is your birthright.”
6. Try new things
If you’re not reaching climax, it might be because whatever you’re doing is not working. Even if you are orgasming but are hesitant to try something new, you could be missing out on an even more intense and enjoyable climax. Dr. O’Reilly recommended getting creative with sextoys and lube, which are both associated with heightened pleasure and orgasmic response.
Mia Sabat, the sex therapist at Emjoy, agreed that trying new things is important. “You don’t know what’s going to get you going until you try,” Sabat said. “Sometimes, we forget that there’s more to our body than our vulva, and we’re surprised to see how much a specific place or type of stimulation can help us reach our orgasm end-goal.” Bottom line: try new things, whether it’s positions, toys, body parts, or even the routine, for the sake of enjoyment and getting to know your body better. An orgasm will just be a welcomed bonus.
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7. Make masturbation a part of your self-care routine
So you already know that masturbation can help you orgasm, but it might not be easy to reach climax if you only think of the ménage à moi as a must-do when you’re in between partners (thank you, quarantine). Exploring your own sexuality and pleasure should be just as much a part of your self-care routine as a face mask or a bubble bath (and, FYI, can be done simultaneously with both!). “Stop thinking about masturbation as a dirty little secret. It’s a perfectly healthy thing to do, with a myriad of health benefits. It can be used to ease pain, boost your mood, and even help with period cramps,” Sabat said. “By framing masturbation as part of your self-care routine, you can explore your body with comfort and confidence instead of something to feel embarrassed about.”
8. Fantasize
Dr. O’Reilly calls the brain the most powerful sex organ, and for good reason. Remember how sexuality is a mix of physical and mental? The physical component might be stimulated, but the mental component needs to be stimulated too in order to achieve mind-blowing pleasure. Fantasizing can help you explore your sexuality and find different ways to feel pleasure, rather than getting caught up in achieving an orgasm and the dreaded performance anxiety.
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Luckily for us, there are multiple ways to fantasize besides imagining shirtless Ryan Gosling or watching Rihanna’s “Pour it Up” music video (though both are great if they do it for you!). “There are many ways you can stimulate the brain, like listening to erotica, engaging with pornography created for a female audience, or simply taking the time to gently let your mind and body ease into a sexual state through sensual massages, candlelit baths, or self-pleasure,” Sabat said.
9. Don’t over-hype the climax
OK, back to that pressure to orgasm. Yes, there is a huge orgasm gap, and yes, you deserve to orgasm as often as you want every single time. But we often hype up the climax so much (I mean, it is called “the climax”) that so many women struggle to get there because of the pressure to achieve it. We look at our ability to orgasm to determine whether it was “good sex” or even whether or not we’re “normal.” Here’s the truth: it’s good sex if it felt good, and anything is normal if it’s normal for you. Instead of focusing on the end-goal, focus on the pleasure you feel before and during sex. Not only will it be more pleasurable overall, but you might be more likely to orgasm. The destination is better when you enjoyed the journey, right?
In fact, Gigi Engle, certified sexologist and award-winning author, suggested delaying orgasming instead of focusing on achieving it. She said, “Slowly bring yourself closer and closer, but hold back before going over the edge. When you become aroused and then let it go, the energy is recycled, waiting just under the surface to be ignited once again. If you keep building towards a finale, the endgame will be unreal.”
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10. Romance yourself
No, this is not some cheesy self-love advice; it’s truly the most effective way to increase pleasure, sensuality, and orgasms, whether you’re solo-sexing or with a partner. When we take time to make ourselves feel special like we would a romantic partner, we increase confidence, comfortability, and just feel hotter; to quote my queen Lizzo, “No, I’m not a snack at all. Look, baby, I’m the whole damn meal.” FYI, Lizzo definitely knows how to romance herself. No matter your relationship status, we can all afford a little more self-romance.
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“Even if you’re going solo, it doesn’t mean that you have to skip the romance,” Sabat said. “Don’t be afraid to light some candles, put on some perfume, and dim the lights to set the mood. This is your own personal adventure and something to enjoy, not rush. Don’t rush it or sell yourself short; this is about treating yourself in exactly the way you want to be treated, and you deserve the best.” As Lizzo would say: “‘Scuse me while I feel myself.”
French women swear by micellar water, and they’ve got the complexions to prove it. Micellar water was formulated with the notion that tap water is too harsh for the face, stripping it of natural and necessary oils which, in turn, can speed up the aging process. But micellar cleansing water can clean the face without actual water; in other words, no rinsing required, therefore aiding in keeping that complexion fresh and youthful. The formulas are so gentle and effective, they’re safe for all skin types, even sensitive and acne-prone. And, like all staple, must-have beauty products worth their price, this item is a true multitasker and time-saver.
Due to micellar water’s popularity, there are countless options on the market, which makes it hard to discern which formulas make for the most worthwhile investment. So, we did some digging and identified 7 French-made micellar water formulas that all get top ratings from beauty editors and nit-picky consumers, alike. Keep scrolling for all the best French micellar water elixirs the beauty industry has to offer.
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Here are five ways to use micellar water on the daily:
Use it as a face wash. No water or rinsing required. That’s right, when you’re too tired to remove your makeup at day’s end, just douse micellar water onto a reusable cotton pad and swipe away makeup and dirt, and it’s just as effective as washing with a cleanser and water. Keep a bottle by the bed and never fall asleep with makeup on again.
Use it as a makeup remover. The gentle formulations of micellar water make it an optimal choice for removing makeup, especially eye makeup, where tugging at the sensitive eye area can actually cause fine lines and wrinkles. With micellar water, a few swipes and makeup is gone, even waterproof mascara—no tugging or pulling necessary.
Use it as a toner. If you’re a fan of the double-cleanse, or if your skin is on the oilier side, cleansing with a cream or gel-based cleanser then following up with micellar water on a cotton pad is, literally, the deepest—yet most gentle—cleanse you can give your complexion.
Use it to freshen up on the go. Post-gym workout or office-to-drinks can require a quick face freshening. Micellar water is the perfect choice, considering you don’t need actual water (or a sink or bathroom) to get your complexion clean. Just carry a travel-size version of micellar water in your bag, apply at your desk or in the car, and your complexion is as good as new.
Use it to clean makeup brushes. Did you know your makeup brushes should be sanitized at least once a week? Think about all of the bacteria buildup on those bristles … it’s like a prime playground for germs. Micellar water is an easy and effective way to wipe off your brushes after each use, making them dirt- and bacteria-free.
For those dealing with dry skin, this is one of the best micellar waters to turn to. French brand Bioderma crafted this micellar water with dry skin in mind. The non-comedogenic formula includes the brand’s signature Aquagenium patent, which contains a blend of niacinamide and apple seed extract. This blend helps the skin retain moisture and stimulate the circulation of water in the skin cells.
Like pretty much all micellar waters, this soap-free formula doesn’t require water and is safe for sensitive skin, that being said, it’s especially amazing for aging skin thanks to how nourishing and hydrating the ingredient list is; organic chamomile, peptides, Viniferine, and shea butter work together to soothe, lift, nourish, and improve overall brightness or dark spots.
This micellar water can remove dirt and even waterproof makeup. It effectively clears residue from your skin without stripping the natural oils. It contains aloe vera, green tea, and cucumber that keep the skin hydrated, refreshed, and healthy. It has a gentle yet powerful formula, so you do not need to rub vigorously to remove makeup. It minimizes skin damage and irritation resulting from constant rubbing and rinsing.
This is one of the most popular and best micellar waters for acne-prone skin available for purchase. It comes from Bioderma, a French pharmaceutical company. The formula is free of fragrance and alcohol. It also contains glycerides, which help hydrate the skin. This Bioderma micellar water is gentle yet effective at cleansing the skin, making it an excellent micellar water for those with acne-prone and irritated skin.
Simple has created one of the best micellar waters for oily skin. It effectively cleanses the skin, while not damaging the protective barrier. Beyond its impressive cleansing abilities, this formula is able to boost the skin’s hydration immediately by 90%. It contains triple purified water, hydrating glycerin, and soothing chamomile flower extract. The formula is also free of artificial colors, perfumes, or harsh chemicals, eliminating the risk of irritation.
The effective formula of this Dior product removes all your makeup instantly and tones your skin. This micellar water contains soothing Echinacea flower extract. It increases the elasticity and maintains the natural balance of your skin. It also brightens your skin tone.
If you’ve never heard of Payot Paris, you’re in for a treat. The beloved French brand makes some of the dreamiest complexion remedies, and this milky micellar elixir is at the top of our list. While the brand also makes a non-milky, water-like version, we’re obsessed with how velvety-smooth this micellar milk leaves our skin. That said, both formulas share the same lush skin actives like hyaluronic acid, raspberry extracts, and micelles.
Our team has discussed the death of the jean for quite a while now, and with winter ahead, the last thing any of us are putting on is real pants. But just because you’re in an exclusive relationship with your leggings doesn’t mean you can’t look amazing for every Zoom meeting and mirror-walk-by of the day. Putting on a fresh face and experimenting with my makeup looks and hair routine have pretty single-handedly given me something to look forward to and stay motivated throughout my day. Ready to try something new beyond your daily BB cream and top knot? Here are eight beauty trends anyone can wear that take your leggings and a tee to a solid 10/10:
This trend isn’t going anywhere, and this fall, we’re seeing it in practically every shape, color, and finish. Now that we have a little extra time in the morning, it’s not the worst idea to finally master your perfect winged liner look. Then, you can experiment with different shapes, styles, and colors. I’m loving a classic, deep black wing when I’m just heading to the grocery store because it adds a little bit of interest to my eyes (the star of the show since I’m wearing a mask!) without taking too much effort. But I also love the metallic liner trend, especially for holiday. A wash of gold or silver looks cool and editorial; like you just stepped out of Pat McGrath’s chair.
If you have naturally curly or textured hair, this is a breeze (although it might feel a little unnatural if you’ve abided by the “don’t brush your curls!” rules of the past). If you are a straight-haired person, you can get the look by curling your hair at night with a small curling wand, set it with a hairspray, sleep on it, and then brush them through in the morning.
So, you can’t *exactly* wear this for a work meeting, but I’d be damned if I left out one of the best WFH perks out there: masking while we work. I’m all for a self-care night filled with my skincare favorites, but sometimes my skin calls for an all-day mask situation. Something hydrating is great for dry, winter skin; you can opt for a depuffing, oxygenating mask with a facial massage in the morning with your coffee; or I swear by a purifying mask after a hot, steamy shower when I wake up with a breakout. I especially love this trick with undereye masks. The serum in an undereye mask stays on your skin, leaving it hydrated and plump for the entire day—why would I waste that when I’m just heading to sleep?!
There’s nothing like catching yourself in the mirror when your cheekbones are highlighted. And I’m not talking your run-of-the-mill highlight either; I mean “aliens up in space are discussing the beam of light coming from an undisclosed North American location” type of glow. When you’re wearing an otherwise understated look, adding a striking highlighter to your cheekbones can turn up your confidence and make a look seem a lot more intentional (when really you just rolled out of bed). I also love having a bit stronger cheek highlight for Zoom meetings—I typically powder more because the webcam can make you look shiny, so adding extra highlight makes it look like your skin is truly perfect.
There’s no time like the fall and winter to dive into deeper makeup tones, and instead of opting for your usual pumpkin oranges and rich browns, 2020’s spin involves something a little cooler. Cool-toned makeup is slowly but surely making its way back in the hearts of makeup-lovers everywhere, and we’re starting with rich plums, taupes, and greys. An easy way to tackle the look is a cool, grey-toned purple lip—like this one from The Lip Bar—but if you have a little extra time in the morning, a swipe of a shimmery, taupe eyeshadow looks put-together, glamorous, and chic. Bonus points if the shade has a bit of sparkle too!
Another iteration of this look is using matte shades for a more retro-style. Think Ariana Grande in the “Positions” music video. Create a wing with a cool-toned medium brown shadow (if you have a medium or dark skin tone, apply a white/cream shadow all over the lid to make this brown pop!) and a brush, and bring the wing over your crease. This look is actually pretty wearable, but looks so impactful (some might say West Wing worthy).
The ‘90s have influenced the biggest hair trends of the last few years, and this one is in full-force right now. This look can be done many ways, whether it’s braiding your front pieces—like in the above photo—or pulling out a few pieces from a bun or ponytail. I love adding little braids to frame my face, and it takes seriously no time at all. Whether you have layers and shorter pieces cut already or you want to fake it, this look is probably the easiest on this list with some of the highest impact.
One of the simplest ways to look put-together, in my opinion, is a monochromatic look. Whether you go for a light neutral eye look with a nude lip or opt for a pink cheek and lip, you’ll look like a professional makeup artist graced your face with seriously minimal effort. The easiest way to do this is using a lipstick and swiping it across your lids (use a primer and set with a translucent powder to make it stay all day with no creasing), on your cheeks as blush, and on your lips! A few shades to try this with include: red cheeks and lips; berry eyes and lips; taupe eyes and lips, rosey-brown eyes, lips, and cheeks; and cinnamon-brown eyes, lips, and cheeks.
This look has been around for decades, if not centuries, but it’s a gold standard of the life we’re living in 2020. A simple red lip can improve your mood ten-fold; plus, it makes even a messy bun and “I-was-too-lazy-to-put-in-my-contacts” look chic and intentional. Wearing it with a bare face keeps the look natural while also increasing the impact of the bold red lip.
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