Understanding Your HUMAN DESIGN

Published on by Lee1 Comment

This is a defining year for a lot of us. We’re all sitting with ourselves, our vulnerabilities, our resilience, our goals, and our pivots. Many of us are learning a lot about ourselves, while others are seeing where we want to make a change. 

Giving structure to what makes us tick the way we do is an excellent practice for giving these moments clarity. That’s where Human Design comes in. It consists of four types: Manifestors, Projectors, Reflectors, and Generators. There is some fluidity between them, but knowing where we lean can have a great impact on how we approach the next steps in life and understanding how we got to where we are and what our strategy should loosely look like.

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Generators

Generators are as kinetic as they sound. To generate means to create, so generators are hard workers. They are typically creative, energetic, and productive. They love to produce and build, and they usually have a clear, defined goal in mind that they work toward until it’s completed and there is something to show for it. 

Generators are the most common human design, so many of you may be feeling akin to this. However, there are two types of generators—Pure Generators and Manifesting Generators. Manifesting Generators can be super intense and headstrong, jumping into big ideas and projects with an unstoppable force of energy. They need to keep in mind that patience and consideration pay off when making big moves or launching a big idea into reality.

Pure Generators are a bit more fluid. They go with the flow, are patient and resilient, and are deeply connected to nature. They can hesitate to take risks, however, and get stuck in a state of deliberation, dwelling on perfectionism. Pure Generators need to remind themselves to stay present, which includes practicing fearlessness.

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Projectors

Projectors are guides. They help to lead other people both directly and indirectly, by being sources of inspiration via their infectious energy. They aren’t selfless leaders necessarily, as they learn a lot about themselves through their experiences with other people and relationships. They are curious, smart, sensitive, and loving, and are deeply intrigued by others and creating relationships.

Projectors need to be seen for who they are, accepted and loved for it more than anything else. It’s what drives them and their purpose. Like generators, Projectors work very hard to be seen and recognized. However, sometimes this diligent work goes unnoticed by a passive employer or a misunderstanding partner, and it can make Projectors feel exhausted or self-conscious, even annoying. Projectors need to communicate their needs clearly and trust that the universe will invite them on their path, instead of trying to force success and relationships. 

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Manifestors

Manifestors are much rarer. They love freedom and typically dislike authority, and like to make the first move, so to speak. They are proactive and energetic, having really powerful energy that either tends to repel people or let them in selectively. Some might describe Manifestors as having a “strong personality,” even if they aren’t loud or forthcoming, just because of their intense aura.

Manifestors have a strong need to communicate their goals and intentions with others, and they must do. Their job is to inform those around them—employers, friends, family, lovers—of their dreams and plans before taking action. This is how Manifestors can flex their powers without stepping on anyone’s toes. 

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Reflectors

Reflectors are the rarest human design type of all. They are known as incredibly open and sensitive beings and can be supportive and beneficial friends to anyone, regardless of others’ energy, because they don’t absorb the energy of others. This doesn’t mean that Reflectors are cold—they can be very warm and empathetic. It simply means they have the power to be wise and helpful, unaffected in a deeply personal way by those around them.

What makes Reflectors stand out against the other human design types is that they feel deeply connected with the moon. It is said that Reflectors should wait for a full lunar cycle (28 days) before making important decisions. They benefit from the pause, the cleansing of the situational energy proximity, and the gathering of information before jumping to any conclusion.

WHICH ONE ARE YOU? COMMENT BELOW!

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How to Handle Things THE SECOND YOU’RE TRIGGERED

Published on by Lee2 Comments

None of us is above being triggered. Even the most evolved person in the room—someone with a healthy, trained mindset—will struggle from time to time. We all have moments when we’re tired, we’re drained, and our batteries are running low. And it’s at times like these when we’re most open to being triggered.

Everything goes wrong one day, and suddenly we can fall victim to our situations. Someone says something that doesn’t sit right with us and we get defensive, or vice versa. When we’re triggered, we tend to react as if everything we’re feeling in that moment is the unequivocal truth. In actuality, it’s usually just our one-sided perception of the story, and it’s driven by past hurts.

And so begins our downfall.

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Adding fuel to the fire

The second someone feels triggered, their defenses go up. And the reaction will often create an equally defensive reaction in whoever else is involved. It’s like a chain reaction.

When somebody feels like they’ve been made into the bad guy in a situation, they’ll naturally want to defend themselves and justify their actions. During tense moments, those reasons are often at each other’s expense. We say, “You made me so mad,” pushing that discomfort onto them. But they fight back with “Well, I wouldn’t have said that if…,” getting defensive themselves. It’s a deflection of guilt or upset, and we begin the blame and justification dance that has no winners and often leaves all parties feeling sore.

When both parties are triggered and defensive, neither is dealing with the truth of the moment. Neither is accepting the role they may or may not have played. Perhaps nobody did anything wrong, but defensiveness has certainly escalated matters. And now both sides are fighting completely different fights based on differing views of the same situation, and no one is dealing with what’s going on at the moment. Which is that both sides are dealing with some past sore point.

We react like the complaint now is the truth—when we’re just triggered by an emotional echo. Whether one person feels triggered or both people do, we fall victim to our reactions, focusing on the often minor current issue. Both add fuel to the fire, and nobody wins. Before we know it, two people who love each other have just fallen out over something utterly trivial.

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Everything links back

In these instances, the exact details of why we became triggered in the first place are largely irrelevant. The point is that, even though a real comment or action might have triggered us, our reaction isn’t about the actual situation at hand.

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We’re only ever triggered by the past, and our triggers will always stem back to something from our childhood. For the first 20 years of our life, life happens to us. Then, we spend the rest of it dealing with what happened to us.

But if we’re not aware of this—and neither is the other party—how can we find a resolution? We aren’t walking in each other’s shoes. We can’t know exactly where they’re coming from. We’re two people with different pain points and perspectives. It’s like a conversation where both parties are speaking different languages and wondering why no one is making any sense.

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Learning to let go

What has us stuck in these triggered moments is running over things again and again. We’re trapped trying to make sense of truth in the present moment that simply doesn’t exist there but in our past.

So, to move past this, we need to work on our awareness and try to catch ourselves. If someone is consistently talking over us or not listening and it triggers us, we should ask ourselves, who first did this to us? Was it a parent? Or a sibling? When did we first not feel heard or respected in conversations? If we can look back and grow our awareness of what we need at the moment, we can explain to someone what triggers us now, what our sore point is, and what we need to help us feel heard and understood.

Also, it’s worth knowing we will often put ourselves around people who will repeat behaviors we didn’t like when we were younger, so we can continue working out how to handle it and grow past it. This is a subconscious choice, but one we all make. Ever noticed someone dealing with the same things again and again, like repeating the type of significant other they go for? The more we engage with the tense, defensive moments today, the more we are buying into them being real and about us now. They aren’t about now.

Instead, we want to notice the moments when we’re triggered. Or when we might be triggering someone else. It’s no easy feat. It’s an ongoing exercise in strengthening our awareness and ability to detach from what is here, to see what is going on there in our minds and our past. And the more we practice this, the more evolved we become, the more we strengthen this muscle, and the quicker we will let these moments go when they arise.

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OLD VS. YOUNG PARTNER: What’s Better?

Published on by Lee1 Comment

In high school, I always had a crush on the “older” guy (me a freshman, him a senior—back then, it seemed like such an age disparity), and I never looked twice at the dudes my year or in the grades below me. I had concocted this fantasy that an older man and woman would save and protect me. Some may call it “daddy issues;” I’ll leave that to the experts.

At 18, I encountered my first taste of the ubiquitous older man. The story is so cliche. I worked in this Orthopedic Center and met this 40 something-year-old who worked in the mall I would travel to for my boss. Long story short, we had an epic romance. No, sex was involved. Yes, feelings were. I look back on this tryst with somewhat fond memories, and I know now that it was the beginning of a pattern that I would come to live out for a good portion of my 20s: the older man/younger woman scenario.

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Without going into my entire sexual and dating history, let’s say I’ve had more than one dalliance with a (much) older man and woman. I’m not talking two or even five years older; we will leave it at that. What I’m noticing in my early 20s is that I gravitate toward older men/women because I found them to be more mature and stable. They were successful and (in many cases) powerful. They took care of business, in more ways than one. 

And then, one day, as I was rehashing my evening with one said an older man to a girlfriend, she stopped me mid-sentence and blurted out: “Just imagine his a** in five years.” I gasped. OMG. Think Jack Nicholson in the hospital scene of Something’s Gotta Give, and you’ll get the image that plagued my mind from that moment on. I’ve never been able to get it out of my head.  

Soon after, my love affair with the older man ended, and as I approached my mid-20s soon, I noticed a new trend emerge: the younger man. To be fair, this seemed to be a trend that exploded in pop culture too: Madonna, Janet Jackson, JLo—they were all fans of the younger man. And the 30-somethings are starting to bore me; even the 40-somethings now wanted the 20-somethings, but the 20-something dudes? Well, let’s just say they were very eager to accommodate. After a rather tumultuous breakup with a boyfriend of two-ish years, my ego yearned for some serious boosting, and the more I hung out with guys my age, the more I remembered what FUN was all about. Sure, perhaps it was all a bit more no strings attached when it came to partnering up, but for a flirty fling, the younger man had me at “you’re hot.”

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So, yes, I’ve sampled both younger and older partners. I’m in no way a dating pro, but here are my pros and cons to each.

NOTE: I am not generalizing age groups here. OK, I am slight—but these are my experiences, and if even one of them rings true for you… take it, comment, and feel free to leave the rest.

OLDER MEN

PROS – They know what they want. They’ve had enough time to test the dating waters and—unless they cannot commit, which could certainly be the issue—the older man is laser clear on what he’s looking for.

CONS – They know what they want, and they’re less malleable to change, which likely means that if they are inept at communicating or if they don’t remember important dates like your birthday or anniversary, chances are they never will. That ship has sailed, to keep with the water metaphor.

PROS – They have their sh*t together. At least when it comes to a job, a place to live, a means of transportation—and if they don’t have these things… run, don’t walk, away. 

CONS – They come with their fair share of baggage (and I’m not just talking about the bags under their *slightly* older eyes). The older you date, the more baggage your partner will have. It just comes with the territory. Think exes, kids, business failings, insecurities, etc. 

PROS – They tend to provide the compelling conversation. If you’re one who likes talking politics, international relations, distilling whiskey, etc… the older man can be a veritable teacher of sorts. 

CONS – They have a schedule, which isn’t necessarily a con for everyone—for some this may even be a pro. But I’m not into the 10 p.m. lights out, 6 a.m. rise and shine, and can’t even meet me for an impromptu lunch because… he doesn’t take lunch, and work comes first—how do you think he can afford that nice house and those pristine wheels? YAWN.

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YOUNGER MEN

PROS – Confidence. They haven’t been burdened by as many rejections, or it just hasn’t bothered them yet. So they barrel in at 65 miles per hour… with the compliments, the texts, and the kisses. The dating rules? Not in their vocabulary. 

CONS – The thing about an overly confident male is that you’re likely not the only one he’s DMing, sexting, or even kissing. Protect your heart (and your other precious parts).

PROS – They’re spontaneous. Think of a weekend jaunt (whatever town is drivable from where you live) at a moment’s notice. Sex in the hotel lobby bathroom. Showing up at your place in the middle of the night because you were on their mind. Spontaneous gestures are exciting and, for some, a great reminder that your partner doesn’t just talk the talk but can also walk the walk. Aka: actions speak louder than words.

CONS – They can be immature. Like the younger guy who invites you to the house in Miami that he rented for the weekend. You show up, only to find that a dozen other youngsters are milling about, smoking weed, drinking, playing video games. You just wanted some sexy time, so you manage to pull your dude away from the keg and find a random room with a futon and an overflowing ashtray. The next thing you know it’s 5 a.m., your back is killing you from the futon mattress, and some half-naked guy just walked past you to puke in the bathroom. And your guy has slept through all of it. 

PROS – They speak the language of flirtation—and they’re damn good at it, too. This complements the confidence pro above, but in my experience, younger men are just so much less intimidated with what they say and what they do to their lover.

CONS – They’re less serious about everything in life—and that includes you. When the BBD comes along, you’re lucky if you even get a “sorry, we’re done” text. Much more likely he’ll ghost you and you’ll find out about his new girl after some blog writes about him and his new girl. Don’t try to have a “closure” conversation with the younger man, it’s not his “vibe.” 

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FINAL THOUGHT: As people love to say, age is just a number. But it truly is… (as long as everyone is 18 and older) what matters most is timing and compatibility. What you want will change at different stages in your life, so go for the person who makes you feel like the best version of yourself, regardless of their birth year. Older guys ain’t shit either so do what makes you feel good ladies and gentlements. Just be careful though because soul-ties do exist.

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9 Beauty Mistakes to Stop Making in 2021 for Better Skin

Published on by LeeLeave a comment

If you thought you were coming to read an article in which I wax poetic about the benefits of drinking water, changing your pillowcase, and cleaning your makeup brushes, think again. If you’re reading this, I have too much admiration for you to say the same things we’ve all heard a million times. You’re a beauty lover, and taking care of your skin is likely something you already do regularly. The last thing you want to read is the same old, amateur lines about spreading bacteria all over your face and yada yada.

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But that doesn’t mean you’re doing everything right, and there might be a few habits you’ve come way too accustomed to that are hurting your skin and sabotaging your ability to achieve the glistening, clear, and bright skin of your dreams. 

  1. Using the same hand towel you use all day to dry your face at night

Thanks to COVID, you’re likely washing your hands more than ever before, meaning the hand towel hanging up in your bathroom gets used a lot. Just because you’re wiping your clean hands on it all day doesn’t mean that’s the only way you’re using it, and who’s to say it hasn’t picked up something gross along the way (it is sitting in the bathroom after all). Instead, opt for a microfiber or muslin cloth towel that you used specifically for your face. I also swear by keeping a few reusable cotton pads laying around because I can use those to lightly dry my face as well. 

However, don’t underestimate the power of applying the rest of your skincare routine to damp skin. Many products, especially hyaluronic acid, cling to water and are significantly more effective when applied to damp skin. 

  1. Using a loofah

After a long discussion with our team and a few friends recently, many of us are still washing our bodies with loofahs. Not to be harsh, but that’s disgusting, y’all. You don’t need to exfoliate your body every single time you shower, and if you want to exfoliate, you’re better off using a scrub because you don’t have to worry about replacing it constantly like you would an exfoliating glove or loofah. If you’re craving the exfoliation, use a washcloth that you can wash often (I always recommend white because you can bleach them!) and keep clean. But truly, your hands suffice to keep you as clean as you need to be.

  1. Not making sure your ingredients work together

Researching the ingredients of the skincare products you put on your face is a lot more necessary than you think. When influencers and companies and even your friends are constantly sharing the products they swear by, it’s easy to think, “Wow, I will just buy it all, and then I’ll have amazing skin!” But that’s not necessarily the case. For one, having a stockpile of 1 million products in your arsenal can make it different to develop a solid routine, but it also means you have to apply them in a specific order. Certain acids and skincare ingredients play well together (for example, vitamin C and ferulic acid or vitamin C and sunscreen), but others you should avoid because they can either decrease the efficacy of a product or cause major irritation (like retinol and AHAs). 

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  1. Exfoliating too much

Retinol, AHA, BHA, bakuchiol–the skincare industry has inundated us with options to exfoliate dead skin cells and reveal brighter, healthier skin. But skincare enthusiasts want to try it all, which can often lead to exfoliating the skin, leaving it dehydrated and irritated. Our faces don’t need exfoliated that much–1-2 times a week should be plenty enough. Smaller percentages that are meant for daily use are OK, but any product that has “exfoliator,” “peel,” or “resurfacing” shouldn’t be used any more than that 1-2 times a week mark. Make sure you spread the days out too–I recently adopted the model of “Self-Care Sunday” and “Wine Wednesday” thanks to a skincare consultation, and I always know those are the nights I use peels and heavy acids. 

You should also keep this in mind if you use a retinol or tretinoin product. You should never use retinol the same night as a peel or another acid, and if you notice dryness, you should skip one night between each. Retinol is one of the most exfoliating, retexturizing products on the market, meaning it’s pretty easy to over-exfoliate with it.

  1. Not washing your duvet or comforter enough

Look, I know I said I wouldn’t tell you about your pillowcase, but this is truly one that everyone needs a reminder about. Many of us sleep with our comforter pulled up close to our faces and that can easily get as gross as your pillowcase. Again, I love white (even more than just for the aesthetic) because it’s easy to bleach and clean. 

  1. Putting heavy coverage all over your entire face instead of just where you need it

Your makeup application could have a major impact on the clarity of your skin. Now, don’t get me wrong, a full-coverage look is going to happen sometimes; that’s just the life of a makeup lover. But on a normal day-to-day basis, you can focus on covering the areas you’d like with that heavy coverage, and either thinning it out (mix it with a moisturizer or apply it lightly with a sponge) or skipping it at all in the areas that don’t need it. No one’s skin is entirely covered in spots or imperfections; there’s no reason your entire face needs to be constantly covered by thick coverage. 

  1. Using a drying concealer to cover acne

What looks better to you: a dry, crusty zit you can see a mile away because the concealer on top is so thick it’s the size of a second pimple or a lighter coverage that hydrates the skin without maybe covering every single speck of the zit? I’m always choosing the latter, and your skin likes it too. As the mid-2000s mom classically said, “We have to dry the pimples out!” is not true. Yes, it helps the pimple reduce in size and disappear, but that isn’t the same when it comes to makeup. Keeping that skin hydrated might help your acne heal faster and can reduce the scarring that might occur. Plus, it looks so much better. Letting your real texture–acne and all–show versus covering your face in massive amounts of the foundation is a major 2021 vibe.

  1. Not washing your tanning mitt

If you self-tan, you need to wash your tanning mitt. Just like the whole monologue about using a loofah or the same washcloth all day long, your tanning mitt can easily get gunked up with dead skin, leftover tanner, and so much more gross stuff. I swear by using an old black sock to self-tan over a mitt because, yet again, it’s so easy to clean, but if you love a mitt, hand wash it with warm water and a little bit of gentle soap.

  1. Popping pimples with your fingers

I’m not a preacher, so I won’t sit here and act like I never pop pimples. Heck, I’m Dr. Pimple Popper’s biggest fan. But there are some dos and don’ts to effectively popping a zit, and my #1 tip is to never use your fingers, especially your fingernails. The countless times I’ve made cuts from my fingernails or spread bacteria and made the spot even angrier and redder than before made me finally stop and switch to only popping zits with a tool or the gentlest trick: using two cotton swabs. 

Also, don’t murder the zit. If a little comes out but not everything (what a lovely image I’ve put into all of our heads!), apply a drying lotion and move on until it’s ready again. You’ll minimize scarring, irritation, and overall stress levels. 

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